I'd like to buy a vowel...and a few consonants

Hello my lovelies,

Remember me!  I'm that snarky pain in the ass that used to fill your inbox with nonsense, but now I only occasionally clutter your email.  I've been in a bit of a funk and didn't feel like I was funny enough to write for the last few weeks, but apparently a cool, gray day was the thing I needed to get unfunkified.  Who knew!  

I should start by officially announcing that I am giving up my downtown life.  Don't worry, the Wheel of Fortune reference in the title of this drivel is not an indication that I found a way to weasel my way into one of those posh 55+ communities.  Don't judge!  Have you seen some of those communities?  I would totally consider weaseling my way in!  And who knows - dating younger (30-something) didn't work, so maybe 50-something is my new 40, but I digress.  Nope, I'm giving up the downtown life because, well frankly, because, downtown rent is ridiculously expensive!  I knew the Denver Tech Center would be cheaper, but I didn't realize just how much cheaper until I started looking.

When I embarked on this quest I intended to maintain a Denver address, but when I actually visited these places I realized that keeping a Denver address near Light Rail pretty much meant living in a dump where pedestrians are doomed to become roadkill.  Therefore, in order to save some cash and live somewhere that doesn't require me driving my car everyday I signed a lease at an apartment just off of I-25 and Arapahoe.  It's literally blocks from my office, my gym and the light rail.  Additionally, by overlapping with my current lease for a few weeks I was able to secure a 3rd floor unit with a mountain view.  This move saves me more than $1000 per month!  (FWIW Finnigan, I DID manage to remain North of Arapahoe Rd... like a whole block north... teehee) 

The building is great!  The amenities there are actually better than in my current building.  It's a comparable size, ~1200sq ft with a 2 master bedroom layout and the view really is spectacular.  My new lease starts Oct 10, so I will officially be vacating my downtown pad in late October.   If anyone wants to come downtown for one last hurrah you better come soon as I won't be living here much longer.  

OK, so enough about how I am going to fund future travel let's dig into this Wheel of Fortune bidness, shall we.  

I really do love my job!  It's fantastic to be in a place where I feel like I am truly valued and respected and thriving.  I would encourage everyone to find a way to experience this at least once in your life.  Going to work doesn't have to suck!  I recently went to Atlanta for a project that I knew was pushing my skill set, but my boss had faith in me, so I took it on.  Turns out, me taking it on was a huge mistake.  The learning curve for me to get up to speed with what the client wants and needs was way too steep and my current project load is such that I ended up failing everyone by trying to do everything.  My amazing boss recognized this and my dear friend Tony Orlando (Seriously, that's his real name and he's AWESOME!) had an ace up his sleeve.  Tony helped secure a new, exceptionally well-qualified resource, and within a matter of days we turned things around. 

Paging Vanna White, when are we getting to the Wheel part of this program....  OK, so here's my beef.  The new consultant is great.  He's very personable, he's very articulate, but this guy seems to have an issue with whole words.  In nearly every email he sends there is a line that reads "PL complete and return" or "PL reply back."  The client that we are working with has the initials PL, so for the last week I've thought when he referenced "PL" he was instructing the client to do something.  Seemed a little bossy, but he's kicking ass (and saving mine) so I didn't really care.  It was only today, and only because it was obvious that he needed me to do something that I realized "PL" is not a client directive, but it's actually Please.  

WTF!  Is it really that difficult to type ease?  Reading back through some previous emails I now see the pattern.  He writes TY instead of Thank you.  Thx instead of Thanks. YW instead of Thank you doing your damn job!  (PS there is another post in the works about how unnecessary the phrase "You're welcome" really is.)   You're Welcome!  (that is oooozing with sarcasm in case you didn't get that..)

OK, so my dumbass took a week to figure out that PL meant please, I'm a bit slow.  Then this afternoon I was copied on a reply to one of my consultant's emails and the respondent said he would "review and respond tmrw."  My damn head nearly exploded.  This is a "Business Development Executive" from a MAJOR professional services firm, responding to an RFP with tmrw?  Does he have a daily quota of letters that he can use and had to save all those "o" for tomorrow?  Wink wink - do you see what I did there!  

Don't get me wrong, some abbreviations/initialisms are great.  Big fan of the good ole' WTF!  LOL is a bit overused, but still acceptable.  Loves me some FWIW.  An oldie, but a goodie IMHO!  But "Please" and "Thank you" really are sacred.  Let's join forces and stop the perpetuation of this PL / TY crap.   Next time you are considering being a lazy, jackwad and typing only TY here are a few phrases to that you can use instead.   

Thanks

Thank you

You da bomb!

Boom diggity

Bitchin

Sweet

You rock!

I trust you, my fellow coffee fiends, to break this trend.  Stop the madness!  Say Please!  Say Thank you!  Use your words people - Use your words!

Until next time...

XOXO

I like it? I love it? Ummmm, no thanks...

Hello my darlings,

This one will be short and sweet.  First off, I have to say that my new dating profile clearly works!   As a result of last weeks post I had a couple of people express their love for me and at least one told me that she would totally swipe right on me.  I mean, I was thinking that attracting a man was my goal, but hey it's good to feel loved.   As for actually posting it on a dating site.. yeah, that's not likely to happen, but I assure you I will definitely let you know, if in a drunken stupor, I change my mind about that.  

Today I had a very coffee-worthy moment that I had to share.  I had a follow-up appointment from my physical in late May and was scheduled for a blood draw.  I was a little nervous about the blood-draw because even though I hadn't had anything other than water for 15 hours, yesterday was my friend Chris' birthday, (Happy B-day Montague!) so we had to celebrate, with cocktails! (I heart Rose!)  I disclosed my vino consumption to my fabulous new doctor and she said that wasn't a concern.  Anyway, everything is fine, no physical issues.  (Feel free to read between the lines about my broken brain all you want.)  I'll get the full lab results in a few days, but I'm not worried.   EXCEPT, I still have not had a mammogram!  I know I'm 45 and I should have done this 5+ years ago, but, um, yeah, well, I didn't.  Today, my doctor, once again, lectured me that I NEED to get that done and informed me that they have a walk-in mammogram facility on the first floor.  I whined that I was starving because it had been 15+hours since I'd eaten, so she said I could skip it today, but that I need to get in soon to get it done.  FINE, I'll do it!  Probably.... 

On the way back to my car, I walk past a reception table with a very young, cute little college girl (read intern) informing female passersby about the walk-in mammogram facility.  Perkalicious asked me if I'd "like to have a mammogram."  With a complete deadpan look I replied "No!  I'd like to have a cheeseburger, but I definitely would not like to have a mammogram."   The poor little thing looked crushed.  I actually felt bad(ish), but I was really hungry and not in the mood to explain sarcasm to a child, especially one that won't be subjected to the mammogram conversation for 20 more years, so I said I'll schedule an appoint soon as I walked out.  

This is one of those times where I really hope they send me a survey, because I LOVE this doctor (Thanks Jeni Finnigan!) and the entire staff was fantastic, but perhaps they could coach the bubbly little mammogram pusher to use language other than "would you like to" cause I guaran-damn-tee NO ONE would LIKE to have a mammogram.  

Fingers crossed that my blood-type doesn't come back as O-Positive-Rose....  

Until next time...

XOXO

PS - I hope you're on the edge of your seat in anticipation of that post-mammogram coffee, cause, that's probably a thing.  

PPS - I am also absolutely, positively NOT pregnant.  I tried to assure them that there's a whole thing about having someone else in the room that is usually required to make that happen, but they require a test.  It was negative!  Imagine my surprise... (in case you didn't know that was sarcasm)

Loser, party of ONE...

Hello my darlings,

Full disclosure, it's Friday morning and I SHOULD be at work or at very least working from home.  Turns out, I have a motivation problem today.  I've searched high and low, but all semblance of motivation seems to evaporated while I slept, so I decided to declare this a mental health day and just relax.  I'm going to have lunch with friends, run a couple of errands then most likely venture out for happy hour / dinner later this afternoon.  Though, we'll see about that.  Since it's the holiday week all of my friends in the building are out of town, so it would be, yet another, loser, party of one event.  Blech!

This whole loser feeling reared her ugly head because I recently had another milestone in my new big girl life adventure.  Ray would have been 49-years old on June 27.  It still surprises me how much these stupid events knock me back.  These silly moments in time somehow just serve reinforce that while I am incredibly driven and motivated at work, I am basically a complete and utter shitshow in my personal life! 

I have no idea what I want in terms of dating and/or relationships, but I know that I need to do something to at least get out and about and meet new people.  I also know that my approach thus far, one very cute, but emotionally unavailable Lyft driver is certainly not the best approach to figuring what dating looks like 20-years later.  A number of friends have suggested that I try online dating.  I'm toying with the idea, but I really don't think I'm cut out for the online dating world.  I have a handful of friends that have successfully navigated that landscape and I have an equal number of friends that have complete horror stories and an ample supply of dick pics as a result of their online adventures.  Either way, the key to testing the waters is to write a profile.  Since you are all my favorite victims I thought I'd share a few profile ideas I came up with, so you can can virtually join me on this adventure.  

Chubby, sassy, sarcastic, pain-in-the-ass interested in finding adventure-seeking male suitor that can actively engage (and hang) in snark-filled conversation, is interested (or at least willing) to try new and usually delicious cuisine and most-critically is willing to get off the damn couch and see what is happening in the outside world.   I'm looking for more than a hook-up, but far-less than a marriage.  

Likes: 

• Pets -- dogs are great -- big dogs preferred!  Small dogs, as long as they don't bark incessantly or bite may be tolerated, unless, of course, you've named your dog "Muffy" or "Mitzy" then both you and the yappy little purse dog are out.  
• Cocktails (typically wine or beer) are a must!  I certainly don't want a raging alcoholic, but I cannot deal with a judgmental teetotaler spoiling my Rose-all-day summer Sundays. 
• Food -- not kidding about that chubby thing.  I love food, so if you are the kind of guy that orders a cheeseburger, well-done, every time you go out to eat just keep right on swiping. 
• Music -- sure, I enjoy music, on the radio!  That said, if you have ever exclaimed that "music is your passion" or if you have a life long dream of being a drummer in a band then I am NOT the one you are looking for.   
• Arts and Culture -- hmmmm how "artsy" are we talking.  I enjoy an occasional museum and I've attended a handful of art shows, though mostly I went because I got free VIP passes to the wine a cheese reception that preceded the event.    See also previous references to chubby and wine.....
• Career -- I'm a geek, I was married to a geek, I work with geeks and I'm generally attracted to geeks, however, if you can pay your bills and you like what you do then I don't really care what you do.  Again, I am not looking for a marriage!
• Travel -- Have passport will travel!  BUT, if you are Mr. Schedule-every-damn minute and/or if you really like tourist attractions then I'm probably not your ideal travel companion.  I walked 20-miles one day in Barcelona and I thought that was an AWESOME day.  If you can't hang with that then move along. 
• Sports -- If you are the guy that absolutely cannot miss an NFL game on Sunday, OR if you refer to your favorite team as "we" (news flash they are not going to put you in the game even if they are up by 3000 points in the 4th quarter, so there is only THEY and not WE) get a damn life and keep on looking.  
• Money -- I like having it, I'm quite adept at spending it and I am inherently generous, but my money is MY MONEY and I am not bank, so don't ask for a gift, a loan or a "spot" it's not happening.  
• Politics and religion -- UNAFFILIATED on BOTH counts!  Frankly, both subjects exhaust me, ironically for very similar reasons, regardless if you are looking for political debate or a spiritual sister then I am not the girl for you.

There you have it.  The online profile that I think that pretty much ensures that I will NEVER have a date ever again.   We haven't even met and I can already say that you are dead to me match.com!

On a separate, but very related note, I received an email from one of my favorite bloggers (we are kindred spirits, of sorts -- he wrote a book called "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*CK!) this morning about a new course he is offering.  Here's the overview. 

When You Sign Up For The ‘Dating and Relationships Course’ You Will Also Learn:

• 3 fundamental relationship types: find out what type you are and why your type determines all of the problems and struggles you run into in your romantic relationships.

• 9 mindsets that can sabotage your ability to get your need for intimacy met. (You probably have at least one of them.)

• The scientifically-validated theory for why you attract who you attract and what you can do to change it.

• How we overestimate love and why this messes us all up.

• How we overestimate sex and why this messes us all up.

• The three key values to a happy and successful romantic/sex life — these can NEVER be compromised. Ever.

• 4 Things you need to take care of before you even start worrying about your relationships.

• One “red flag” that lets you know this relationship is simply not going to work no matter what you do.

Somehow, I think I might the be student that makes him decide to stop teaching...  

Until next time...

XOXO

Daily decorums - beep beep

Hello my darlings,

I feel that the universe needs a measure of manners, an infusion of etiquette, a dose of decorum.   Who better to start a movement like this than your's truly! 

What's that you say?  You don't believe the that the judgmental, bawdy, masklophobe, wannabe bloggess is actually qualified to launch such a movement.  Well, you're right!  Luckily that has NEVER actually stopped me from opining on the triviality of everyday life. 

Today, is no different!

While this certainly won't be a daily bit, I intend to more frequently inflict my version of Miss Manners, which I affectionately call Daily Decorums, on all of you.  These are societal nuisances where I believe a bit more decorum, or at least a little less asshole, would yield a much better result.  

The inagural decorum is dedicated to Horn honking

In my cute little downtown abode I am subject to frequent horn honks as people fail to appropriately navigate the four-way stop directly beneath me.  This is often accompanied by shouts, grunts, guffaws and the all-too frequent engine rev.  Fortunately, it is infrequently accompanied by the sound of crunching metal, meaning the honk was probably not a means to avoid a catastrophic collision. 

I also hear my fair share of horns honking when I, as a law-abiding pedestrian, am crossing the street.  I see those eyes-rolling from those of you that have walked around downtown with me.  True, I jaywalk regularly downtown.  However, in the suburbs, where my office is located, jaywalking would be a suicide mission.  Even daring to walk in a crosswalk with the walk sign illuminated regularly feels like a death-defying act. 

As the purveyor of said decorums I think it's only fair that I share with you how I handle such inconsiderate actions.  You'll be pleased to know that when these assclowns dare to honk their horns at me, when I am legally crossing the street, I immediately stop and proudly display my middle finger!  

The lesson in all of this is that honking your horn almost never elicits the response you were hoping for, unless, of course, you were looking for someone to tell you to "Fuck Off!"

Keep that in mind next time you want to hit that horn, and/or if I happen to be in your car.  

Until next time...

XOXO

Why I'm Not Terrible a Poem(ish)

Hello my lovelies,

Geez, it's been a while since I inflicted my nonsense upon all of you.  Consider yourselves warned I think that dry streak may be coming to an end.  I still love my job, BUT I am certainly feeling the frustration and some days absolute exhaustion of my job as well.  I guess in summary I have to say that I LOVE my job because I'm client facing and i HATE my job because I'm client facing.  

I have 12 active projects and I'm engaged in a number of pre-sales opportunities, so my days are busy and no two days are ever the same.  I truly love the client facing part of my job, mostly because I am the leader of my projects so people pretty much do what I say.  On top of that most of my clients are pretty cool people.  There are a couple that I adore and would do just about anything for, the majority of my clients are frequently a pain in the ass, but not terrible, so I like them, at least most of the time, but there is one client that is the bane of my existence.  

This week has been a particularly eventful week (FWIW "eventful" is a lot like "interesting" which means really not good) and my fussy customer has taken every possible opportunity to beat on me for everything that has gone wrong and it feels like there are days when they even go to lengths to criticize the few things that went right.  Anyway, after four contentious days of this nightmare I was feeling a little beaten down, to boost my ego I decided to practice a little self-love.  Get your mind out of the gutter, I'm not talking about the the battery-powered kind of self-love; I'm talking about the positive self-talk (ala Jack Handy) kind of self-love. Anyway, my self-love today was a happy little poem, of sorts, about why I am not completely terrible.  

Why Ronda is not Completely Terrible, a poem (HA!)

by Ronda

Someday's when you feel down and blue it's nice to have something to remind you why it's OK to be you.  (OK, seriously, that's about as poetic as this shit's gonna get, I mean really how many words to you know that rhyme with "truck"  Ohhhh  oohhhhh, pick me I have one....) 

Here's my summation of why I'm not completely, probably mostly, but not completely, terrible.  One thing that makes me not terrible is teeth.  I have them!  OK, so a few of them are crowns, so those are sort of like fakers, and I've had three root canals, so I guess technically I don't really own the land, so to speak, that those are sitting on.  But I do have all of my teeth and they are actually pretty nice teeth.  They could be a little whiter, but you all know how much I love coffee and red wine, so clearly that's not happening.  I also realize that none of you know my toothless idiot siblings, but having a full set of teeth in my head at age 45 makes me a bit of an anomaly in my family.  I refuse to say FREAK because I got a long line of siblings vying for that title!

Another thing that makes me not terrible is my big brain.  I once had a coworker that after a series of very frustrating phone calls, quipped  that she "hoped that girl is hot because she is dumb as a box of rocks."  No one has ever accused me of being "dumb as box of rocks."   They probably DID say that I was a mouthy, sarcastic, pain-in-the-ass, but definitely not that I am dumb.  OK, so writing this I realize now, that maybe this IS why I am terrible.  Hmmmm, who knew!  Full disclosure, no one has ever accused me of being "hot" either.  Thank GOD for that big brain!

I'm not sure that the not terrible thing of having teeth actually balances the terribleness of the attitude that spews forth from my pie hole, so I probably better figure out a few more things that makes me not completely terrible. 

Sooooo, let's go with cooking.  This bitch can cook!  I love cooking and I greatly enjoy sharing meals with friends, so I think that totally adds another tick in the Not Terrible column.  

How about creative linguistic skills?  That makes me kind of not terrible, right?  I mean who else do you know can eloquently describe douchehound shenanigans as assclowns engaging in general asshattery.  That's an impressive skill, right.  Hmmm, the fact that I make up words AND call people assclowns might tip the scale in the favor of Terrible.  

Damn!  This might be the most terrible poem about being not terrible ever crafted. 

Well, while we are all here let me see what else I can figure out that makes me Not COMPLETELY Terrible.  Here's one SHOES!  I have an amazing collection of fun, funky and sassy, yet very comfortable shoes.  TOTALLY Not Terrible!  BOOM!

While were talking about fashion I think I have a pretty decent sense of style.  Most importantly I know how to dress for my body type -- FYI there is another coffee just around the corner about all of those idiots on the train that aren't quite as fortunate.  Looking good and having a sense of style is a good thing, so yea, chalking that one up to Not Terrible as well.  Except, for the fact that I am jackass about all of the fashion faux pas of those around me, so that probably moves the needle back to the side of Terrible.

OK, so how about funny.  I'm pretty funny!  I love to laugh and have a good time, though thinking about it I am a sarcastic asshole and I frequently make jokes about idiocy of the poor unsuspecting fools around me, so that probably lends itself to Terrible.  

Aw hell, this whole self-love nonsense is crap.  Maybe I should just focus on the battery-operated kind of self-love.  At least that's rewarding!

Until next time...

XOXO

PS - ComicCon is coming to town this weekend.  You all know how much I love (HATE, I F*ing HATE THAT CRAP) costumes.

PPS - I'm going to be at the Performing Arts Center which is right next door to the Convention Center where the Comic Con dorks will be hanging out.  I can smell that coffee brewing now....

The commonest sense and a lesson in Frenglish

Hello my lovelies,

After my last syrupy post about how delighted I am with my job I thought I should probably share a more Rondaesque post before you all begin to think I've lost my damn mind.  FWIW, I probably have lost my damn mind, but rest assured I'm still a snarky pain in ass.  

I really do love my job and for the most part, my co-workers.  There are, however, times when we do not have the necessary skill set internally to fulfill a role, so we have to contract with external candidates and/or external recruiting companies to help us staff a particular role.  Most of the time this works out fabulously, MOST being the operative word here.  

One of my Denver-based projects is requiring that we provide a local resource to fill a very common, yet highly technical IT discipline.  Our internal recruiters didn't have any great local candidates available immediately, so we engaged another partner.  The resource was vetted for technical skills and we decided to proceed.  The day of the kickoff meeting the account exec and I met the contractor for lunch, provided some very specific information about what the role would and would not entail and verified that he knew where the client was located and roughly how long it might take to get there given afternoon traffic.  Yeah, so I'm pretty sure you get where I'm going with this.  Five minutes after the meeting was scheduled to start the naviational genius called me to ask if the client's office was off of 5th St (not the real address), I attempted to sound polite(ish) and inform him that the client's address is 7654 5th St, so by default the client's office is indeed off 5th street.  At this point he says, hmm, I'm on 12th St.  WTF!  It just so happens that there is an exit off the freeway for the street he needed to be on and there is not an exit off the freeway for where this genius ended up.  I know that Google sometimes provides some questionable directions, but I also know for a fact that had he entered the address into this phone the googles would have basically said, take the exit for the street the office is on, take right, drive to the address, take a left and park your damn car.  It is literally four blocks off the freeway in a big brick building.  This is NOT hard!

If I was six months into this job rather than six weeks I probably would fired him on the spot then marched into the clients office making up some bullshit excuse about a flat tire and apologizing for needing to reschedule the meeting, but I didn't!  FMYLIFE! When he finally arrived 15-minutes late, he contributed nothing more than very heavy breathing to the technical discussion.  I'm not extremely technical, so my objective in bringing a technical resource to a meeting is NOT so we can all listen to him mouth breathe. 

Earlier this week the buffoon came by the office to pick up his laptop and help me plan the project.  Things weren't exactly going well, but when he asked me who would be providing project direction then had the cojones to restate the question after I assured him I would be providing the project direction, by saying, but who will be providing leadership and making decisions for the project....yeah, uhhmmm, so about that, let's just say I am very excited to meet the NEW local technical resource that will be joining my team next week.  I realize this poor bastard had no way of knowing how grandiose my ego is, but when he had the audacity to ask "who would make decisions" I was stunned.  I don't think I ever appeared to be a wallflower in any of our previous interactions and pretty much all I ever have to say about who will make decisions is BITCH PLEASE!  

....and that's yet another reason why I suck as a human being.  XOXO

My other favorite (I use that term VERY loosely) coworker is a sales rep based in Chicago.  This 60+ year old woman has very blonde hair and speaks with an accent reminiscent of New Jersey meets northern Wisconsin.  That's odd enough,  but for some bizarre reason she only says hello, goodbye, please and thank you in some sort of Frenglish.   

Her accounts are all located in the Central and Eastern time zones, so I have a lot of early morning project meetings with her.  You all know how much I love my coffee, but I assure you there is not enough coffee on the planet for me to not be annoyed when she interrupts my meeting, joining at least five minutes late and in a sing-song tone, cheerily announces "Bonjour all, Jane here..."   I don't speak French, but I am pretty sure that the French people have a way of saying that entire phrase in French.  Thing is, we aren't in France and we don't speak French, so joining a meeting, preferably on time, and speaking English, which is the language that everyone else on the call is speaking would be perfectly acceptable.  Other option, if you join the meeting late is to keep your damn trap shut!

Lucky for me, she doesn't just speak Frenglish, she also writes in her emails.  Here are a few examples.  FWIW I do recognize that the third one is technically all in French, but I promise you the rest of her, mostly incoherent email, was not in French. 

Add in Bob s’il vous plait

Merci beaucoup for your support…both of you!

Merci buckets mes amies! 

Merci b!  

At a happy hour in Atlanta we were talking about some of the more interesting characters in the office when I said that I call her "crazy-Jane."  Our HR Director patted me on the shoulder and said "oh, sweetie, that's the nicest thing anyone has said about that woman in years."   When a statement like that comes from HR I know these really are MY PEOPLE!  

Hope you enjoyed my latest cuppa crazy.  I was planning to get out and run some errands today, but the weather is cool and rainy, so I decided to skip the grocery store (FWIW skipping the grocery store doesn't take much convincing) and schedule date.  If anyone needs me for anything today I will most likely be in my bed with a book.  Best date ever!  

Until next time

XOXO