Hello my lovelies,
Tis the season for this snarky bitch to inflict a little of my self-righteous drivel on all of you. I’ve been terrible about writing this year. I’ve started dozens of posts, but got very few completed to the point of being publish worthy. For all I know now this may be another one of those, lucky for you I just poured myself a glass of wine, so I’d say that increases the odds of my inhibitions being lowered to the point I actually click the “Publish” button. 2020 has been an eventful year to say the least, but it’s been particularly exciting for me and I know how much you all appreciate hearing about me, so I felt it was my duty to share my 2020 recap to all of you.
For me 2020 has been a year of self-reflection, perhaps that’s because of the sheer amount of time the f*ing plague afforded me to sit ALONE in my apartment (now my house) and drink wine, er, I mean reflect. I spent the first two months of the year flitting about the country living the glamourous life, which means luxurious things like an out and back trip to Baltimore (yeah that’s a 4-hour flight EACH WAY in a single day) an overnight to Indianapolis and a work trip to Fort Lauderdale during spring break. I seriously thought I might need to quarantine (or at least get some penicillin) after returning from there just based on the debauchery I witnessed in the hallway. I certainly do not consider myself a prude, but OMG parents, what happens on Spring Break probably requires at least 14-days of antibiotics and likely a topical cream or six. Lucky for me all my good clean living really paid off and the day I just happened to be flying home the very same day the stay at home order went into effect. Yay me!
One of my 2020 reflections happened earlier today when I realized just how damn good I am at adulting. Turns out I am really good at being a grown-up. I make my bed everyday. I brush my teeth 2-5 times per day, I wash my face morning and night, I pay my mortgage payment on time and I recycle, at least most of the time. Soooo, some responsible adult-types might frown upon the fact that after approximately six cups of coffee and six hours of conference calls I ate pop-tarts for lunch. Personally I think I am CRUSHING IT! OK, if I’m being honest it’s truly embarrassing, but I hate the grocery store and I frankly sort of hate putting on pants, or showering or really most things that are required to not look on the verge-of-homeless when going out in public, so I have phases when I just live off of what I have here. OR more accurately I live off what I have here until I am nearly out of half and half. I do NOT go without my coffee and I like my coffee with half and half! Nothing motivates me more to look pretty(ish) get my best mask (I live in Weld County but I’m not a complete a-hole, though there’s a very good probability that mask says something snarky on it) grab my reusable shopping bags (because I would rather be a fifthly hippie heathen with my own damn bags then deal with those flimsy plastic nightmare that rip if they are filled with anything heavier than a Twinkie) and get myself to King Soopers for some rich creamy half and half to pour into my coffee.
I don’t what to spend the whole time regaling you with my impeccable dietary habits and I certainly don’t want to bore you with nonsense about my video-conference induced wardrobe mullet — “business on top, don’t even ask what’s going on below” Most importantly, I know how much each and every one of you looks up to me, so I want to remain positive. I know how uplifting these coffees are for all of you, so I thought I would take a moment to share a few of the fabulous things I learned during quarantine. Sharing is caring, and I care, really, I care and I share, some might even say I over-share, but to that I say “you’re welcome!” Now enough about how fantastic and kind and great and funny and pretty and exciting and interesting and clever and, oh who I am kidding, here’s some shit I learned, most of it the hard-way some of it many many times over.
Lesson number one — box wine is the BOMB. Frankly, I found it quite bothersome, and some nights troubling (read difficult), to remove the cork from my second bottle of wine, but switching to box wine alleviated the pesky cork problem. I could drink until I was flat on my face and I never had to touch a corkscrew. What a blessing!
Lesson number two, Real Housewives are neither real nor housewives! FACT!
Lesson number three — Ray may have been on to something when he instituted the 2 of 3 rule in our house. That rule stated that I could have wine and my iPad OT wine and Shark Tank, but under no circumstances was I allowed to have wine and my iPad and Shark Tank. Don’t ask — seriously don’t even ask!
Lesson number four — There is good reason why Julie Child cooked WITH wine and Betty Crocker did NOT. Luckily, that lesson cost me a little cash, but saved me a LOT of calories. A LOT of calories!
Lesson number five - You really cannot have enough pairs of reading glasses or shoes. If you think I’m wrong please stop by my house there are always shoes (likely multiple pairs) by every exterior door in my house and there are readers everywhere. I can’t read a damn thing without my granny goggles and I make random decisions to exit through any door of my house at any given moment, so shoes at all of them is really a convenient thing, especially in winter.
Lesson number six — Meditation is hard (and kind of weird, but mostly hard) On occasion (pretty much daily since I was two) people have referred to me as “energetic” or “high-strung” and on a few occasions “Bitch be crazy!” On top of that I’ve dabbled with enough self-help bullshit to know that mediation is good for you. It helps one relax and center. It helps one find peace. Frankly, I just need to SLEEP more. I fall asleep, but then I wake up at 1am and my brain turns on and I’m awake until 4, so I invested in the Calm app. I started by listening to “Sleep stories” but I realized that when I would find myself arguing with a sleep story it was probably not the right technique to lull my gently back to sleep, so I began meditations. Here’s a typical meditation-ala-Ronda….
Meditation coach (MC) — take a deep breath in, hold for a count of four, release for a count of four, hold for a count of four
ME: deep breath in (shit I need to count slower I wanted to take a deeper breath) holy crap I feel like an oomph looph can I exhale already - shit I exhaled too much now I’m going to pass out on the next four count
MC — take a deep breath in, hold for a count of four, release for a count of four, hold for a count of four
ME: OK I’m going to count slower to four when I breathe in, holding for fou…. you what would relax me back to sleep is sex, if only we got rid of this damn plague so I could get sex again then I would…. dammit I supposed to be counting to four not thinking about sex. breathe in for four, hold for fou… crap I totally forgot about the thing that the guy at work wanted, I need to remember to do that tomorrow, GAH, breathing, listen to the damn meditation coach, you are supposed to count to four, you knew how to count to four before you were four, now shut up and breathe and count. breathe in for four, hold for fou….CRAP, did I set an alarm, now that I am awake I probably won’t wake up in time for my stupid f*ing meeting at 6 am, so I better yell at Alexa to set an alarm.
MC — take a deep breath in, hold for a count of four, release for a count of four, hold for a count of four
ME: OMG this is ridiculous, this shit doesn’t work. I am going to put on an audio book instead. Alexa, set an alarm for 5:30am!
In other words, I’ve pretty much mastered meditation! I’m thinking about recording my own creepy ASMR podcast to help people like me learn how to meditate just like me!
I am so sick of this COVID crap. It’s been such a crazy year, but I am thrilled to be back in NoCo around friends. I can’t wait until things are less volatile with this stupid plague so we can drink beers at breweries and BBQ on my patio. I wish you all health and happiness.
Until next time…
XOXO
