I've got issues... You've got them too...

Hello my darlings,

Oh, so many changes and so many opportunities for me to fuss about nonsense. Where shall I begin…

Ah, what the heck, let’s start with the damn plague. Let me go on record saying that I’m FUCKING DONE with this! We’ve destroyed the economy and potentially changed the way we interact as humans forever. Remember the good old days, in February, when the government was telling us to wash our damn hands. Oh how, I miss being told to wash my hands. Now we’re basically being required to wear a full body condom if we want to do something crazy like step outside the safety of the nurturing cocoon that is our house. Though, now there are reports that some people even contracted the virus at home, so if you are staying at home you will probably die. We all know that getting exercise is very important, but if anyone sneezed in the vicinity of where you are at any point in time in roughly the last millennium, you will probably die. Wearing masks is critical, not for you but for those around you, except if the virus ended up on your hand when you put the mask on your face then you are sucking the virus directly into your lungs and you will probably die. Getting takeout is a necessary thing, because it’s helping the businesses, (you know the ones that this ridiculous shutdown is destroying) unless someone had the audacity to cough within one mile of the place where you ordered takeout from in which case you will probably die from getting takeout.

Basically, everything you do or do not do, except for washing your hands, will inevitably cause you to die! So if you want to die, then wash your hands. But if you don’t want to die, then definitely wash your hands. FUN FACT - WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE! No one gets out of this life alive, so for the love of GOD can we please just begin to live a little bit again. BTW, you really should probably go wash your damn hands, you filthy animal!

Now for a few other issues I have going on, and you all know that I GOTS ISSUES… Can I get an AMEN?

I’m a little concerned that I may have to get a second job to cover the guilt tipping that I’m doing for all of the services I’m having done. That poor girl at the waxing salon EARNED that tip because, she had a few months of old growth forest to clear, if you catch my drift. Additionally, I was very excited to get a hair appointment, but my fabulous stylist nearly suffocated from the mask as to avoid the potential harm of the virus, because, seriously, like the toxic chemicals she ingests everyday could possibly cause any harm. DUH! Tomorrow morning, I have a pedicure appointment and just looking at the sad state of these toes I’m already counting out the bills for that little Asian woman to have her way with my feet.

I may also be experiencing claustrophobia, or perhaps more accurately closetrophobia, because since I’ve effectively stopped wearing any sort of clothes with a zipper or for that matter a waistband I seem to be developing a fear of going into the closet. Truth be told it’s Friday afternoon, perilously close to happy hour time and I am still wearing pajamas, I did brush my teeth and I washed my face today, but everything else happened yesterday or possibly the day before.

Since I’m not actually wearing any proper adult clothes these days you would think that I would stop buying them. F*ING SALES! All that shit is so cheap, then when you buy you get more discounts and frankly going to the package locker to retrieve my loot is one of the most joyous moments of my week. But that also means I have a small mountain of crap I now need to return, but I’m frankly too lazy and too scheezed out by all of this creepy mask wearing that I seem to just be shuffling the pile from my bed to desk chair every night and back to my bed when I start work in the morning. Adulting is OVERRATED! Anybody want to volunteer to be my life manager, the pay is shit, but I tip well, especially if I’ve been drinking.

Finally, remember when I got fired during the plague, well it turns out the whole chilling out, reading books going for long walks idea of how I was going to spend my unemployment time didn’t quite pan out as I’d imagined. Just over a week after I was let go I was hired on by one of my former clients. The company I now work for is based on Charlotte, NC so I will be working remotely and if the plague ever subsides or if the government manages to piss away another trillion or so dollars to manufacture virus resistant bubbles for us to live in I will be traveling NC once or twice a month. AND since I don’t have an office to go to AND since I don’t really have a huge network of friends in Denver I bought a house and am moving back north. I close on July 2 and shortly thereafter, I will be living in Windsor. My new house is dangerously close to High Hops brewing, so soon enough I’ll probably need a second job to afford my beer tab. Oh and more stretchy pants…

Until next time…

Seriously, GO WASH YOUR HANDS! You know where they’ve been! Filthy heathens…

XOXO

R