Fired during the plague and a much needed vacation...

Hello my lovelies,

I hope you are all healthy and safe and surviving the plague (yeah, I know this is a pandemic and not the plague, but seriously plague is a way funnier word, so I am now, and will continue to call it the plague.) I’ve had a number of friends lament about the anxiety caused by being cooped up with the family all day every day, and the joys of day drinking, er, wait, I mean homeschooling, no, I think I actually mean home-school inspired day drinking, and I can say for certain that all of those conversation remind me just how delighted I am to be alone and single during the plague!

Prior to Monday I spent most of my quarantine time working or generally feeling stressed, anxious and angry about work, then late Monday morning I was very abruptly (and coldly) notified that my position had been eliminated. Fuuuuuuuuuggggggggggg

Initially I was really freaked out because, well, you know being unemployed with approximately 12 MILLION other people is a bit unnerving, but once I started actually taking steps toward embarking on the job search was able to relax and breathe and realize that I am going to be fine. There will be another job at some point and in the meantime I have an offer to pick-up some side hustle work on a 1099-basis, so I may just enjoy a lot more free time, relish the opportunity to read books and take long walks (game on Fitbit challenge babes) and just BREATHE. By midday Wednesday I had the new lighter sensation and I think it was legitimately triggered by oxygen, and I’m not talking about the stupid Oprah channel, I honestly think that I finally just relaxed and I was able to breathe freely for the first time in a very long time.

Now before you guys worry that getting unceremoniously fired (technically not fired) in the midst of the largest economic downturn in the history of the world had made me soft, rest assured I am still just as snarky and sarcastic as ever, frankly, maybe even more so because I’m not stressed out of my friggin gourd any longer. To reassure you I wanted to let you all know that I am preparing a very special vacation, not a vacation for me to go on per se but a vacation that I can send a few thousand other people on. I’m preparing a once in a lifetime (wink wink) adventure on the sea that I am lovingly calling the Coronavirus Cruise. It’s sort of like Survivor only with a lower probability of, you know, actually surviving. The way this works is that pretty much every time someone annoys, irritates or pisses me off they automatically receive an expense paid, one-way trip on my demented little Love Boat. I realize that the downside is that any of the a-holes that get nominated for this very exclusive, once in a lifetime adventure AND actually survive will likely end-up with some crazy level super immune system that will probably make them live exponentially longer, thereby inflicting their egomaniacal asshattery on numerous generations to come, but hopefully if we just leave the ship just bobbing around in the ocean long enough that will sort itself out. I will confess the cruise was filling pretty quickly when I was working, but now that I am relaxed and enjoying the life of leisure there are a whole lot more cabins available. Please feel free to reach out if you have a few dumb-sombiches in your life or work that you feel are worthy of this honor and distinction and we will get them schedule for this very special “vacation” of sorts.

I know many of you have missed receiving my coffee updates, but now that I have all this extra time on my hands and since I’m not feeling like an angry psychopath any longer, I am planning to provide regular updates of how I am spending my quarantine time, which, will undoubtedly include updates on my wardrobe. Somehow, my possibly (OK definitely) judgmental perspective about women who wear yoga pants all the damn time is shifting as is my focus on personal hygiene in general (Oh lordy, how I do miss that wax pass.) I will admit that during the the last 973 days (maybe that’s slightly exaggerated) that we’ve all been locked in our homes, there have been a few days when I found myself still wearing pajamas at 5pm. That isn’t really a problem, is it? Don’t worry, I’m not a filthy animal, on those days when I wear my pajamas all day I do have the decency to put on clean pajamas before I go to bed. If you think about it, that’s actually incredibly efficient. Clean pajamas at bedtime pretty much means as soon as I brush my teeth I’m dressed and ready for the next day. Time-saving life-hack, BOOM! I’m not a complete sloven, I still brush my teeth a lot, 3-5 times per day, (it’s a hangover from all that required Invisalign brushing) I shower fairly regularly. I wash my hair….sometimes. In fact, I actually washed, blow-dried and straightened my hair, put on real pants and makeup (OK just foundation and mascara but that is still technically makeup) once this week. Full confession, I had a date with my former work wife, Susie, to meet at the office and clean out my desk and I figured that seeing actual people in the office was a totally pants worthy occasion.

I know this quarantine time sucks for everyone. I hope when this is all over we can say that it was worth the financial and emotional toll. In the mean time, I am going to do my part to infuse your days with a brief respite by providing more frequent updates of my unemployed quarantine journey, including and especially, an update on any momentous occasion that actually required putting on pants.

Until next time…

XOXO