Pennies for thoughts

Hello my darlings,

I think I want to be an advice columnist when I grow-up. So I realize there aren’t actually advice columns any longer and pretty much every a*hole with a keyboard feels entitled to dole out “advice” on every social media outlet and comment link, but still I think there are a whole lot of people that would be a lot better off if they had a little more Ronda-style reality in their lives. Here are just a few recent encounters where I desperately wanted to share some of my wisdom. Yeah, I really am calling this drivel wisdom, but hey I have a blog, so I’m entitled.

Advice post #1 - Paging captain obvious

Q: What do I need to do to address the error on the expense submittal form? Error message: A client name must be listed for this entry.

A: Thank you for your inquiry. It’s very apparent that you spent a great deal of time pondering such a magnanimous question, have you considered typing the CLIENT NAME in the field titled “Client” and seeing what sort of result that might yield?

Advice post #2 - A time travel conundrum

Q: What do you want me to do when I am supposed to be in Virginia for an engagement and in Florida for a training on the same day?

A: Great question! Clearly you are incredibly astute in realizing that you are incapable of being in two places at once, have you considered using a calendar to track your appointments and actually checking it before you commit to being on-site with a client AND at a training at the same time? Since that answer is obviously no, maybe you’d want to consider how you actually get paid as part of this decision.

Advice post #3 - Really advanced math

Q: Should I book a flight that costs $200 less, but requires me to drive 90-minutes to get to the client location for the billable engagement or should I pay $200 more for a flight that arrives at about the same time and is only 9-miles from the customers location?

A: Very interesting inquiry. Remember in second grade when your teacher gave you story problems for math, maybe you’d like to consider this like any other day in 2nd grade and puzzle this out like a story problem. Let me help get you started. Given a billable rate of $250 per hour, if Flight A costs $600 and is a 30-minute drive from the billable site and Flight B costs $400 and is 90-minutes from the billable site. How many hours do you think you should plan to drive before you realize how much time and money you are wasting trying to decide if you should drive 90-minutes in DC traffic to get to a client site?

Advice post #4 - The state of the union — Western Union

Q: I’m a little tight on funds right now, would it be possible for you to send me my daily per diem amount via Western Union?

A: Gosh, that sounds like a real challenge. Let’s go with OH-HELL-NO on the conditions that A.) I did not give birth to you and B.) I was under the impression that we hired grown-ass adults. During your interview you indicated that you were able to travel, I am confident you will figure this out.

Advice post #5 - Cloudy with a chance of unemployment

Q: Do you think I should tell the customer that I lost three weeks of work because I forgot to save my documents to the cloud?

A: Oohh, tough call, since you have a business card that includes the title of Sr. Cloud Engineer, you might want to think about the state of your resume regardless of what you tell the client.

Advice post #6 - A fashion statement

Q: Are we allowed to wear halloween costumes to work?

A: I’m sorry, did the question about 2nd grade give you flashbacks to when that crap was actually considered acceptable? If you are an adult, in a professional office, receiving a regular paycheck, then NO, you should not wear some idiotic, and probably slutty, halloween costume to the office, or anywhere outside of your home!

Full disclosure, in case you can’t tell, I HATE halloween as much as I hate potlucks, possibly even more.

Advice post #7 - Onesie, twosie

Q: Have you heard about the Adult Onesie party that ITL is hosting downtown on Saturday night? It’s going to be super-fun you should plan to check it out.

A: Do you know who you are talking to? Why in the hell would I want to be out in public with adults who are wearing onesies? Much of the time I feel like I am running an adult daycare, there is no way on earth I would be seen in public with a bunch of socially inept morons from a singles group, wearing onesies in a bar.

True story - The Denver In the Loop singles group is hosting an “Adult Onesie party” in Downtown Denver on Saturday night and the owner of the company called me just a little while ago shrieking about how “super-fun” it’s going to be. My actual reply was… “Uhhh, NO, not my thing!”

I feel like this advise gig has real potential! If you all have problems that you want me to weigh in on, please send those inquires my way. I will be delighted to offer my clearly exceptional, thoughtful and generous advice. It’s pretty obvious that I’ve got my shit together, so helping all of you be a bit more like me is the least I can do.

Until next time…

XOXO