Now Enrolling -- Ronda's Driving School
Hello my darlings,
DAMN - I let a whole month get away without subjecting you to my inane rants. Well, sorry (NOT sorry) kids, that break is over. You may have noticed (or soon will notice) the subscribe popup. I gave my friend Cindy’s daughter Alex admin access and she worked her magic. YAY! Now I guess I just need to verify if it really works. Hows abouts you all enter your email addresses (or the email address of someone you detest and wish to inflict this nonsense on) and I will commit to posting some more boorish rants soonish and we can test it out together.
So, let’s talk about this driving school, shall we….
You may all remember from the November post that I traded in the old Volvo for a new Jaguar. Grrrr, I LOVE that car — perhaps to the point of obsession. It really is a sexy piece of hardware! Well, this obsession may make me a little protective of inferior vehicles (and there are MANY inferior vehicles) getting too close to her. This mama bear protection instinct is never greater than when assclowns are getting a little too close as we are driving 85 MPH on I25. Since you all know how committed I am to making the world be better place — or at least how committed I am to making those around me bow to my will - it seems only appropriate that I start a driving school to help clean up our highways. Here’s the syllabus for the school. I think I’m really onto something.
Session #1 — Accelerate and merge
ACCELERATE is the key word here. Do NOT stop at the end of merge lane! Accelerate and move into traffic and if your piece of shit car can’t do that then you and your POS need to stay off the damn highway. PS - if you are too afraid to complete the maneuver then STOP DRIVING!
Session #2 — Get off my bumper A**HOLE!
Seriously, the tailgating has got to stop. Leave a safe following (and STOPPING) distance.
Session #3 — Left lane = Fast lane
If your granny-ass is afraid to drive fast or if you earth-saving Prius can’t actually go fast then stay as far away from the left lane as possible.
Session #4 — Slow down and be safe, but don’t stop too lookie-loo when you see red and blue lights
See also Session #2 because if you’re the jackwad slamming on your brakes to look at the accident then the moron behind you with a snowboard for the bumper on her Subaru is going to end up in the trunk of your Camry. PS - if you look in your rearview mirror and see a Subaru with a snowboard for a bumper, it’s probably safe to assume it didn’t come from the factory that way. It’s also safe to assume the bitch driving is too stupid to understand that the reason she has a snowboard for a bumper is because she didn’t pay attention in Session #2. FWIW I witnessed this exact scenario directly beside me yesterday. Jagger and I were both terrified, fortunately we escaped unscathed.
Session #5 - It’s stop and go in ALL of the lanes so just pick and damn lane and stay there
This session is mandatory for everyone driving a jacked-up giant diesel truck and also anyone driving a Camaro or Mustang. Clearly, these man-children are compensating for their lack of equipment and or skill in other areas of life.
Starting this school is probably going to require some angel investing, so as soon as I hire a millenial to teach me how to use Venmo or Zell, I’ll be sure to get you the details so you can send money.
Until next time…
XOXO