FACTS...ish! A collection of mostly true crap according to Ronda...
Hello my darlings,
It’s been ages since I sat my fat butt down to do this. I have lots of ideas in my head, but I’m working so damn much that when I’m finally not working sitting back down at my computer is the last thing I want to do. Typically, I try to develop some semblance of a theme for these posts, but this one is going to more closely resemble the ping-ponging that happening in my head right now.
Please note all stories are true, possibly (read OH HELLS YES!) embellished, but true-ish…. Enjoy your daily dose of coffee, Ronda-style.
Truth in Advertising
I’ve noticed recently that there are a lot of claims made by marketers that aren’t really true. Here are a few of the obvious ones (and a parable about dating thrown in for good measure)
1.) Better than Sex Mascara — Sephora sells this shit for $28 a tube. Ummmm that’s a pretty lofty claim that mascara is going to be better than sex. All I can say if that IF you actually think this product is better than sex, you are definitely doing sex wrong. FWIW the mascara isn’t very good either.
2.) “Fun size” — I find it interesting that the smallest, saddest little candy bar is labeled “fun size” Really? Fun for who? In my new single girl life I’ve now sampled a bit of “candy” and I can say for certain that “FUN” size really isn’t all that fun. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying everything needs to be King Size, that brings a whole other set of problems. All I’m saying is that sometimes, what a girl needs is a Snickers that really satisfies! FACT!
3.) Defining a gimmick — my gym offers a 3D scan to measure weight and lean muscle mass and body fat, etc. I see this as a gimmicky tool that is going to spit out a bunch of numbers that I am going to completely ignore and continue living my life exactly the same way I am now. My new trainer (more about this asshat below) was really trying to sell me on having the scan done. I asked him how the data would actually change the workouts that he had planned for me. He just kept saying that he would have numbers and data and stuff. I just kept challenging what exactly he planned do with the data and how fundamentally it would change the structure of my workouts. Long-story short, I was exhausted by attempting to argue with this mental-midget and told him flatout that I would never submit to this ridiculous gym gimmick. He asked me what gimmick was… I didn’t throat-punch him! Hooray for self-restraint!
Gym woes and WHOAS….
I still attempt to get to the gym at least a couple of times per week. I’m also going to yoga 2-3 times per week and I do a spin class most Saturdays. There have been a few gym moments that I can’t unsee, so you now have to read about them. You’re welcome!
1.) No Nooooo Lululemon — In 2013 Lululemon was sued for selling see-through athletic wear. In my new yoga adventures I don’t know if the woman was wearing circu 2012 pants or if the sheerness continues, but I can confirm that they are indeed very transparent. Blech! Getting all bendy and twisty is enough of a challenge, I don’t want that view of another woman’s ladybits.
2.) Bike shorts in spin class are good — sweatpants in spin class are VERY bad. I really like spin class. It’s hard and fast and I burn a ton of calories and feel great afterward. That said, I think gyms should enforce a few rules about spin class attire, especially for men. Bike shorts come up higher on the waist are made for being on a bicycle. Sweatpants are often worn lower around the hips and result in a terrifying butt-crack exposing fiasco when alternating between sitting and standing. Two weeks ago a very tall gentleman of Indian-origin attended my spin class. He came in late, wearing baggy sweatpants and ill-fitting (read too small) tighty-whities. Lucky me, he chose the bike directly in front of me. FMYLIFE! When the instructor told us to “hover” which is where you lean forward on the bike so your butt hovers just above the seat, I prayed that my stationary spin bike would crash or perhaps that I would spontaneously go blind. Neither happened! Suffice it to say I pretty much sweated my way through a 60-minute proctological exam. Yesterday, that guy came to class again, this time he showed up on time (I was about 5-minutes into my warm-up) and when he got on the bike in front of me I immediately got off the bike I was on, selected and adjusted one at the opposite end of the row and resumed my workout. I couldn’t stomach a second opportunity to exam his prostate.
PS - Hovering is also the reason I firmly believe that the chubby ones should all be in the back row. I am very much a back row girl in spin class! Ain’t nobody want a view of this girl's butt from that angle. FACT!
3.) Training my trainer — My fabulous personal trainer that I’ve been working out with for the last six months recently moved to Virginia. I still have PT sessions available, so they transferred me to the dipshit I mentioned above. This guy clearly looked at me and saw a fat-girl and assumed I wouldn’t be able to do much. The jackwad went so far as to ask if I could life a 10lb ball above my head. WTF! Seriously? Yesterday was our first workout. He handed me a 10lb medicine ball and asked if I thought I MIGHT be able to do 10 ball slams. I did 5, put the 10lb ball back on the rack, grabbed a 20lb ball and did 15 more. Bitch please! When I was done I suggested that maybe he should make fewer snap judgements about his new clients. Assclown!
A few more reasons why you should all celebrate that I did not procreate…
1.) Child sherpas — There is a woman that parks near me in my apartment parking garage. She has a small child that is roughly 5-years old. Every time, not kidding, every single time I see her at her car she has a wagon. Now I get that you have to tote around a lot of crap when you have kids, but seriously how can she need so much that it requires a wagon every time. She always makes the kid climb in the wagon to go into the building. The irony is that she lets him run around amongst the cars while she is loading whatever she had to haul around into the wagon.
If I had a five-year-old and I felt the need to tote around enough shit that would warrant me loading and unloading a wagon every time I got in my car I would make that little brat my sherpa. I would put one backpack on his back and another on his front and make him carry some crap. Hell, I might even load it with bricks and make him take the stairs a few times just to tire him out. It works for puppies, I don’t see why it won’t work for kids.
Gee, I hope in my dating adventures I meet a man with a few kids, I think I’d be a real swell stepmom. HA!
2.) Girl scout mommies — I encountered a very brash girl scout mommy recently. She was in front of the cookies table, shouting at people walking into the store that it was the last weekend and we all needed to get our cookies now. As I walked up, she looked me in the eye and said “you look like you can afford to buy some girl scout cookies” to which I replied “I absolutely can afford to buy girl scout cookies and had a girl scout actually asked me to buy the cookies I would have done so.” I’m so glad that nonsense is done for another year.
Until next time…
XOXO
PS - Cindy Kennedy’s daughter Alex setup the subscription link and is going to help me build a distribution list, so you will automatically be notified when I post some nonsense. YAY! Thanks Alex!