Really strong weaknesses

Hello my lovelies,

Geez, it’s been ages since I sat down to write this nonsense. I have to admit that I’ve been in quite a funk lately. I recently passed the two-year anniversary of being thrust into my new big girl life. Somedays I feel like I am killing it, many days I’m going through the motions and just doing whatever it is my work calendar dictates and other days I’m just trying to hold my shit together enough in public to prevent being committed to a mental health facility.

Rather that hiding my my apartment, stewing in my own pathetic, self-pity sauce I am trying to push myself to get out of my apartment, try new things, meet new people and just generally live a little bit. For the most part this means more exercise and less wine; though if I’m being honest there have been a few days where that “exercise” looked at lot like sitting on the couch, drinking wine in sweatpants that, not so ironically, say “Cocktail and Chill” on the leg. (PFFT! I know some of you thought I was going to say on the ass, but you all know that this girls does not and will not own wordy-ass-pants!) I’ve also tried a couple of books and podcasts to engage and take a stab at retraining my brain. SIDEBAR “My Dad Wrote a Porno” is an absolutely hilarious podcast that I totally recommend if you just need some mindless trash to laugh at. One of the books, in my self-help journey, suggested that I work through an exercise to review strengths and weaknesses and do a little “mental decluttering” to examine how to convert those weaknesses into strengths. The formula for this exercise is:

Weakness —> a mental decluttering sentence about how to reposition it into a strength —> Strength

Turns out I am too much of a jackass to even do that correctly… FWIW I think the author would be OK with me being a jackass in the exercise because she originally introduced this method on a book titled “The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*ck!” Here’s the result of my “mental decluttering”

Weakness #1 — Bossy —> Seriously, there are too many indecisive people and if I don’t take charge and boss a few people around we are never going to get anywhere —> Gettin shit done!

Weakness #2 — Controlling —> Right, so with that bossiness I occasionally (read ALL the DAMN TIME) have a tendency to encourage (read Coerce) these indecisive little ninnies to do it my way, but since it’s clear that I am going to be the one making the decision (see Getting shit done reference above) then it only makes sense that it be done my way. Besides, I’m probably right, so it’s going to be less painful for all of us if everyone just does what I suggest. —> Gettin shit done my way #Rondasprobablyright

Weakness #3 — Judgemental —> Seriously? Have you seen how some people dress? Have you listened to the inane travality that falls out of people’s pie-holes? I am merely pointing out the asshattery that surrounds me, besides, that shit is funny —> Expressing a unique perspective

Weakness #4 — Foul-mouthed —> Again, that shit’s funny! Right, so I know there’s a comedian that doesn’t swear and is still super funny. Fine, apparently he doesn’t encounter as many assclowns as I do on a daily basis —> Creative language skills

Weakness #5 — Opinionated —> I’ve been told that people don’t actually need my conjecture to comprehend situations, but I’m just trying to paint the most realistic picture of how I perceived an event or occurrence —> Wise and articulate

Weakness #6 — Jaded —> Yeah, ummmm, well, ummmmm I’ll just say that I use experience to make decisions —> Delivering Sagely Advice (usually unsolicited)

Weakness #7 — Crass —> I realize that I have a tendency to be a bit insensitive, and perhaps I could exercise a bit more tact when opining, or act a bit less boorish when getting shit done, but at the end of the day we’re getting shit done, so maybe the feeble, little ninnies that I boss around should make a list of their weaknesses and do their own mental decluttering to grow a damn spine —> Helping others develop

Weakness #8 — Sarcastic —> Frankly, it pains me to call this a weakness, but then I encounter those incredibly kind, nice, generous people that don’t feel inclined to make a snarky comment about the lazy-ass men wearing sweatpants in public (SIDEBAR - This has officially replaced yoga pants as my new pet peeve, but wordy-ass pants (PINK, JUICY, etc.) is still the most criminal fashion offense. Yes, I am STILL looking at you NaNet) and I realize that there is an option to respond with a non-sarcastic comment, but then I open my mouth and a bossy, know-it-all, curse laded rant falls out of my face before I even know what happened. Not really! I know what I’m saying and frankly I love sarcasm, because the stupid people don’t understand it and I think that is hilarious —> Wise, educated, articulate with VERY creative linguistic skills

Turns out I suck at self-help, but fortunately, I excel at self-righteous! Oh well, do one thing (or possibly eight) well…

Remember that singles club that I mentioned the last time I sent one of these, yeah, well I signed up for the New Year’s Eve party (which sadly means I must wear something other than pajamas on Dec 31) AND for a Singles Mixer (Oh lord I should not sign-up for these things while I’m wallowing in self-pity on my third glass of wine) so there there are LOTS more adventures in store for me, which means you all get to suffer through it with me. You’re WELCOME!

Until next time…

XOXO

PS — Happy 50th Birthday to NaNet! Yes, you read that right fifty years ago today three smartish resident interns (the real doctors took the night off) somewhere in Massachusetts bestowed her parents with gifts of sage, hemp and coal. Seriously, what did you think I was going to say she was born one day early and she is NOT Jesus! XOXO Love you N!

PPS - Hope you all have/had a fabulous holiday with your family and friends. I am spending the week with a very cuddly, geriatric dog named Molly while my friends are in Mexico. In honor of my visit they erected a jackass tree with a topper made out of a toilet paper roll and left gifts for Molly and I under a Charlie-Brown tree on the counter. It’s amazing how well these people know me and for some reason they still trust me to know where they live….