Writing the next chapter

Hello!

Remember me?

I’m the snarky, pain in the ass that used to clutter your inbox with musings about the general banality of my life or to lament about the asshattery and shenanigans of the inhabitants of my building, oh, yeah and to make fun of those poor, unsuspecting suckers on the light rail. I will confess I’ve thought about a lot of things I could write over the past few months, but I haven’t managed to get my butt in the chair and my fingers on the keyboard to write anything, until now!

I’ve officially closed my Downtown Denver chapter! I picked up my last few remaining items and turned in my keys on November 1. I’m now officially a suburban girl living in Centennial (also known as BFE to Joie when she realized how far it really is to get down here) I still have a two-bedroom apartment, roughly the same size as my downtown apartment, but it’s definitely much less posh than my previous dwelling. While I may have taken a small step back in the level of luxury I’ve taken a few huge steps forward in overall quality of life. The hallways and entryways don’t reek of dog urine. It’s been two full weeks and I have yet to see dog poop in the elevator, the stairs or on the sidewalk. I’m no longer constantly being tempted to shove people whizzing around on scooters into traffic, mostly because there are no F*ing scooters! WAHOOOO!!!! By far the best part of life in suburbia is the noise level. It is so quiet down here! I’m not subject to the maddening whine of crotch rockets and tricked out Honda Civics buzzing around at all hours. There is no more banging, clanging, rumbling train noises all day and all night. I’m no longer constantly baraged by the thwack of skateboards clattering around. The incessant horns honking below me is now just a distant memory. In fact, I’ve only heard sirens and both times were before 8:30 PM. After 18-months in the hustle and bustle of the downtown scene I’m really enjoying the calm that the burbs have to offer.

Apparently a new dwelling wasn’t enough change for one week, so I bought a new car as well. I took the old Volvo in for service and found out that my solid, old, sensible station wagon, with a blue book value of around $2K needed around $3500 in repairs to keep it safe and reliable. I know the car was sound and that $3500 would have easily gotten me through another year or two, but since I’m saving all that money with my grown-up life rent payment I decided it was time to get something new. I also realize that I could have opted for a very sensible, mature, grown-up vehicle and purchased a safe, reliable Honda/Toyota/Hyundai but you’ll be pleased to know that I completely eschewed that nonsense and bought a Jaguar F-Pace! BOOM! It’s an SUV, so it’s still practical(ish) and it has a 3.5L Turbo engine, so it’s really powerful. This car is opulent and beautiful and luxurious and so much fun to drive!

Now that I have a charming new apartment and a fabulous new car I figured my life was probably in need of a makeover too. I mean it’s not necessarily a bad thing that I spend entire Sunday’s migrating between my big comfy chair and my bed reading books. I’ve even gotten pretty used to eating meals alone and I’m finally at a place where I don’t hate it entirely. OK, some days I really hate it, but I hardly ever cry while sitting at the bar, alone, eating appetizers and drinking happy hour priced wine anymore. Seriously, that’s a HUGE improvement from my first few months in Denver, but I digress. The first step in my life makeover was to get my fat-butt back into the gym! I’m once again working out 4-5 days a week. I’m not really focused on losing weight, but this is a great thing for stress management. That said, my big decision was to join a local “events and activities” group for singles.

Let’s get one thing straight this is NOT A DATING SERVICE! This is a group for active, adult, singles. This is about events and adventures. UGH! I don’t know what that means! Truth be told, I pretty much suck at this! Turns out that paying money to join a club to do new things doesn’t actually motivate me to leave my apartment and actually DO new things. In a little over a month as part of this club I’ve only attended two events. The first one, a happy hour, was terrible, but the second, a Bocce ball event at Rhein Haus, was a lot more fun. I even met a couple of fun, new people. I had dinner with one of those people last week and he encouraged me to suck it up and just sign up for lots of different things. I decided to take his advice and sign-up for something this week! That all changed when I saw the schedule.

I now remember the exact reason that I am in my pajamas at 5:30 on a Monday night. The events for this week are “Potluck and Pictures” on Friday and a “Singles Mixer and Karaoke” on Saturday. That pretty much seems exactly like my vision of the weekend from hell. I trust you all remember my love of root canals, cause seriously, that is more desirable than a damn potluck. I do not understand the fascination with potlucks, but are you freaking kidding me, a potluck and pictures? OH HELL NOOOOOOO! I just envision a bunch of weird geeks (I’ve attend two events and geeks are definitely a thing, sadly, not the nerdy, cute boys, mostly just weird geeks with a significant quantities of nose and ear hair) ladeling brown, mushy pseudo-meatlike products out of crock pots while posing into their cellphones taking selfies all night. Hmmmm, potlucks, ear hair and selfies, that sounds like a trifecta of things that piss me off and what a super-sexy way to spend a Friday night… #NOTHAPPENING Everything about a potluck and pictures sounds so incredibly awful, but if I had to pick one, which I DON’T and WON’T, I’d probably have to opt for crock-pot slop over a singles mixer.

To be fair, I don’t actually know what a singles mixer is, but somehow I doubt that my delightful, charming wit (aka sarcastic, foul-mouth) is actually the thing that complete strangers want to “mix” with. I feel a mixer is one of those events where you’re supposed to smile and look pretty and act charming. HA! I would fail at all three. For some reason, I suspect that rolling your eyes at some jackwad’s overly rehearsed 30-second “commercial” is not the appropriate technique to win friends or influence people at a mixer. If I were to attend, which I will NOT, I would roll up in the Jag wearing slouchy jeans and a T-shirt that simply says “Ummmm NOPE!” and probably offend every man, woman and child I passed as I made my way, fat-girl style, to the buffet table. I think it’s safe to say that I’m more of an acquired taste than a “mixer” kinda gal, so I should probably take a pass on this weekend’s events. Oh and do not even get me started on karaoke…..

Looking ahead at the schedule there are two wine tasting events coming up and a Thanksgiving eve bar crawl. There maybe some potential in this events group after all. I promise to keep you all posted of my events and adventures progress…

Until next time…

XOXO

PS - We are having a Thanksgiving potluck at work on Thursday. I’d blow it off, but I really like most of the people I work with and it’s a small office, so me skipping would make me look like a complete asshole. I am truly dreading the stench of the miscellaneous crockpot concoctions, stewing in their vile juices, but I’m going to attend and I’m even going to taste some of the food. Blech! I feel sick just thinking about it!

PPS - I’m supposed to contribute food to the potluck. Do any of you have a good Jello-salad recipe that you can share? Hahahahahahahaha

PPS - That is a joke! Do NOT send me Jello-salad recipes! I promise, I will return the favor and you’re not going to like what I send! Love ya, kiss kiss