Mysteries of the universe (or at least MY universe)

September 02, 2017 / Ronda Chadwick

Hello my darlings,

It's been a while since I sat down to pen one of these and I am sure you have all been dying to know if I completed Ronda's Magic Butt Ride 2016. You couldn't possibly have anything better to do than to sit around thinking about ME, right? HA! I am thrilled to report that I did in fact complete all 500 miles. My grand total was 503 miles or 809.5 kilometers for my Canadian friends! I had 7 miles to go on the final morning and I intended to do a much longer ride to boost my total, but my bed was very lonely and needed me to stay in it a little longer.

What can I say - Laziness always pays now!

My other exciting news is that I FINALLY got my notice from work. My severance package is much better than I'd expected and my end date is Dec 1 (which is subject to change depending on the speed of the actual transition) so I still have five months of paychecks and a decent little stack of cash to live on if I can't find anything immediately. It's a HUGE relief to finally know the end date and it's nice to know there is more than a couple of weeks of pay sitting there when that day finally arrives.

Staying true to form, I find it very productive to observe and poke fun at other people's problems, while continuing to avoid dealing with my own. My therapist would be so proud that I spent all that money talking to her then failing to heed any of the advise I paid so dearly for, but I digress. Since snark and sarcasm are such good friends of mine I decided to give you a list of things that make me say "What the hell?" or "You've got to be kidding me?" and of course there are a few "Oh, no she din't" thrown in for good measure. For your reading pleasure I decided to lump them all together into an entry titled "Mysteries of the Universe" which I admit is a bit grandiose, since they are really just Ronda's ramblings, but it had a nice ring to it and grandiose is a thing I do!

You probably all know that I like to think that I am fairly smart - ah, who am I kidding, I like to think that I am f*ing brilliant, but even I know that's a stretch, so I will settle for smart, but there are a number of things that people continue to do that I just cannot and will not understand. Spoiler alert I've ranted about most, if not all of these in previous coffees, but they keep happening and I STILL do not understand them and it's me at the keyboard, so deal with it! Love you kiss, kiss!

Today's list of things I do not, cannot and will not understand:

Dick pix - really, I will NEVER understand why anyone wants to send or receive these!
Men who miss the toilet (seriously that hole is HUGE, somehow when motivated (or perhaps I should say allowed) to do so you are able to find one that is MUCH smaller, so why do I continue to step in pee on my freshly cleaned floor)
Leaving the toilet seat up (Remember boys, what goes up must come down and if you can manage to get that one down I certainly will not be looking to get anything else up...)
Leaving coffee and other random spills on the counter in the break room at work
The desire to eat donuts (or other random, barely identifiable, food-like substances) that are at least a week old from the office break room (Note: If someone had to tape a sign above the food that read "Eat me, please!" I think it's advised to avoid that, in EVERY context, just avoid that!)
Snakes as pets
Spiders as pets
Fat-free, Non-Dairy, Frozen Yogurt -- Blech - IMHO that is a big ol cup of WHY BOTHER! (FWIW - for this fat girl, Gelato is really the only option, though I heard about a local dairy that is selling goat-milk ice cream that I probably need to try.)
Sexting - I think this is just a colossally bad idea... for everyone, regardless of marital status, age, income or sexual preference. I put sexting squarely in the category of things that will probably end very, very badly.
Why does the dog always vomit on carpet and never on an easy to clean, hard surface?
Why does the dog only vomit (and yes, still always on the carpet) when I am either dressed up or in a hurry to leave?
Why do I only spill coffee on myself when I wear white pants?
Really short shorts! Consider this a public service announcement to all of the girls and ladies out there -- very few women actually have the legs to pull those off and if you aren't one of those lucky ladies for the enjoyment of all of us please buy longer shorts! I'm not faulting a girl for being a little fluffy, just cover the fluff!
GAH! Yoga pants are NOT actually pants and should be considered acceptable attire at the gym only! Note: Target, Starbucks, The Lowry Beer Garden, Bonefish Grill, RV3 of the Agrium Loveland campus and MANY MANY other places are NOT THE GYM, but for some reason I keep seeing women wearing yoga pants to these places. This needs to STOP!!!!!
Spandex or any sort of workout wear at a funeral. I am disgusted to report that my very fat, very ugly sister committed this crime at my aunt's funeral on Saturday. Bitch please! Side note: it's very nice to hear relatives and family friends state repeatedly that I am the pretty one in the family, but when I'm the "pretty-one" compared to the fat lady with a full beard wearing a much-too-small yoga top at a funeral, I'm not really sure hearing that I am "pretty" is much of a compliment.
Strapless maxi dresses - they are cute in theory, but in practice wearing a strapless dress when there is a high-probability of stepping on the front of said dress and displaying your bazingas to the world is really a bad idea. Side note: I also witnessed such an event at my aunt's funeral. Golly, that Chadwick clan sure can put the FUN back in funeral..... F*MYLIFE!
Neck tattoos - Seriously, no one in the history of time has ever utter the words "that's a very classy neck tattoo you have there" NO ONE! EVER! Soapbox - I really think these 20-somethings need to think about the permanence and visibly of their tattoos. I have a feeling there are going to be a lot of regrets about many of these tattoos in a few years. Hmmmm - Maybe I should look into starting a tattoo removal business? Nah, that would involve touching people in places I don't want to know about, so probably not the job for me.....
Platform flip-flops with dress pants. Frankly I could have just stopped at platform flip flops OR Flip flops with dress pants, but I just witnessed the whole platform flip flop ensemble, so I put them both together.
Knee-high boots with a dress in July. The look can be fabulous (it can also be a total miss if it's not done well) in January, but right now it's July and it's really hot outside. Put your damn boots away and buy an attractive sandal, or heel or even a cute flat (Soapbox: I love flats, mostly because my gimp foot is still a mess, so I am forced to only wear flats, but done well the look is cute and it's certainly much more sensible then knee high boots in 100 degree weather.)
Post-funeral luncheons. I think this may be a small town thing and I know it's done with the absolute best of intentions, but it is truly awful. This has been a year of death in my family and I am sick of seeing relatives that I really don't like and I am beyond sick of being expected to sit with those same relatives and eat that nasty-ass potluck food that the church ladies bring. Seriously, who actually considers Jell-o a food and Jello-salad (there were four of them on Saturday in that hellish little town I grew-up in) takes something nasty to a new depth of hell. You'll be pleased to know I took a tiny bit of food, pushed it around my plate while the hogs seated all around burrowed in their troughs of pot-luck vomit, then I politely covered my plate with my napkin and devoured a Kind bar in my car while I sped out of town.

I'm sure I could think of many more things to yammer on about, but I think 20 seems like a nice round number at least for now!

Until next time....

XOXO

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