The type of person that...
Hello my lovelies,
It's been awhile since I've done this. I feel like this is only enjoyable if I'm snarky and sarcastic and frankly, I've been in a bit of a funk lately. I finally got all of the Fidelity nonsense worked out and I met with a financial planner. I'm pleased with who I found (XOXO Finnigans) and I am thrilled that someone is finally going to have everything consolidated and in someone else's care, but it's been an emotional process. The poor financial planner got to play therapist when I had a complete meltdown about how disgusting it felt to reduce 18-years of life with someone to a spreadsheet. Fortunately, he tolerated my tears, gave me a hug and the damn fool still decided to take on my cuppa crazy as a client. Poor man -- he has no idea what he's gotten himself into. Now I've spent hours logging into accounts and downloading statements and signing forms and generally dealing with all of the administrative detail crap that I despise, but I think it's nearly done. At least I hope so, otherwise this poor guy's gonna get himself some full-on ugly cry and ain't no man want any part of that. OK, ain't no living creature want any part of that!
You'll be surprised to see that I am not complaining about the overly-entitled 20-something children that inhabit my apartment building, nor am I ranting about their incredibly appaling pet husbandry skills. I'm not even going to fuss about the freaks on the train, well, OK they might make a cameo appearance because seriously, those people provide so much coffee fodder. Today, for your coffee pleasure, I am going to rant about work, not so much about my job, but about the people that I work around. Enjoy!
My desk at the depressing mortgage company is situated between the Learning and Development team (L&D) and a team of developers and QA testers. One side is very upbeat and cheerful, the other side is non-stop geeked out chatter about some sort of mortgage related field or feature that isn't working or the users are too stupid to understand or any of the other bizarre, geeky things IT developers talk about. The list includes, but is not limited too, Star Trek, Star Wars, The Big Bang Theory, Powerball, the odds of winning Powerball, if buying two Powerball tickets doubles your odds (news flash - NO JACKASS, it's statistic - buying 2 tickets gives you a 2 in whatever-completely improbable number rather than 1) Full disclosure: I may have muttered precisely those words at a more audible volume than intended. (Oopsy -- Teehee)
The L&D ladies are very cute and chipper and lovely, but they recently launched a program (I think this is part of a Diversity and Inclusion program, but I'm not certain) where the participants have to declare something using a statement that begins with "I'm the type of person that..." Since rolling out this program I hear them starting sentences with that horrific phrase fairly routinely. It seems to me that starting any sentence with I'm the type of person that, is really just an abhorrent way of pseudo-discreetly exclaiming something that most people don't want to know, a feeble attempt at making yourself sound way classier than the asshat you really are or a platform to share entirely too much information without officially announcing to the world that you are a complete deviant. Since you all know that I am the type of person that is a complete and total asshat, jerkstore with a few potential deviant tendencies lurking not far below the surface, I thought I would do you all a favor and translate of few of my favorite "type of person" statements that I've heard and a few that I wish I would hear because that shit would be hilarious.
These "translations" are sort of like Google translate if it could translate English into Asshattery. It can't - I've tried!
I'm the type of person that tells it like it is!
Translation - I'm am self-righteous jackass that doesn't listen to or care about anyone else's perspective because I am seeing and spewing my opinion about any-damn-thing I want through my own rose colored glasses.
I'm the type of person that avoids confrontation at all cost
Translation - Wimp!
I'm the type of person that engages in confrontation at all cost
Translation - Asshole!
I'm the type of person that needs to feel loved
Translation - oh your poor little thing you are going to be walked all over your entire life.
I'm the type of person that feels everyone else's pain.
Translation - I'm a nosy, gossiping carp that likes to hear all of the juicy dirt and details of people's live that I don't really like or care about, so I can beckon my prayer group to "raise them up." See also - Grace and many of my siblings
I'm the type of person that loves Justin Bieber
Translation - Bitch PLEASE! What ARE you saying?
I'm the type of person that loves sex, drugs and rock and roll
Translation - The 80's are over and you were never actually that cool, so why don't you just go ahead and cut that stupid-ass ponytail off rather than stroking it like some sexual deviant.
I'm the type of person who loves sex and needs it often
Translation - Congratulation you're human, probably male and you have a pulse, but by now you've learned to appreciate cold showers and/or batteries you know for the beekeepers among us. Bzzzzzzz
I'm the type of person that is allergic to Taylor Swift's music
Translation - AMEN SISTER!
On a personal note, I thrilled to say that I officially accepted a new job! Beginning Sept 25 I will be working for the City and County of Denver. My new commute will be a 1.9 mile walk rather than a 1.7 mile walk and a 34 minute train ride. I'm so excited to be working downtown among people that I like, trust and respect. I'm delighted at the prospect of feeling like I am a part of something again. I miss having fabulous co-workers to have lunch or drinks with and did I mention I'm working downtown and I live DOWNTOWN. YAY!!!!!
Until next time....
XOXO
PS - I just got my lease renewal letter. They actually lowered my rent a little bit and since I love my cute little apartment and since I'm going to be working downtown I am signing a year-lease. That's great news for all of you who haven't made it down to see me yet. You now have 14 more months to get here.