Desperately seeking... coffee tables?

Hello my lovelies,

Happy St. Patrick's Day!  

Once again I've been regaled with stories about women that are afraid to look at their phones because some guy has decided to send pictures of his, ahem... member!  GAH!  Seriously, why does anyone want to send or receive a dick pic?  This is ridiculous!  In support of my babes that are subjected to these unsolicited (FWIW - if anyone is actually "soliciting" a dick pic, let's just say that bitch needs some help!) snaps and in response to my therapist's suggestion that I write letters I've decided to write an open letter to anyone who has ever sent a dick pic.

Dear Mr. Male Member Photog,

I am writing to ensure that we are all on the same page about the photo-worthiness of the male sex organ.  Please understand this is not an attack on the penis itself, rather it is merely intended to address the questionable beauty of said appendage.  Here are just a few things I hope you will consider the next time you have your cell phone in one hand and your cock in the other.  

First, thank you for choosing to send these pictures via Snapchat.  The functionality of the platform making the foul phallus actually disappear is truly invaluable.  More importantly, however, the recipient is afforded a much-appreciated purview into the sort of stamina you would offer, should the snap actually move her to respond, which it won't! EVER!

I would like to understand what your expectation is regarding what a woman would do with these pictures when she receives them.  Are you hoping that she can use her crafting skills to create a fun photo-collage?  If so, please ensure that the recipient has your mother's email address, so the crafty female can share the "art-project" with her!  Mom will be so proud, seriously, sooooo proud.....  Perhaps you, like me, are a Seinfeld fan and you want to create the book that is a coffee table.  Sadly, with the subject matter we all know that's going to go limp and fall over and clearly, for any red wine drinker that would be a very disastrous furniture option.  Maybe you recognize your limitations and you are affording the lucky recipient the opportunity to enhance your manhood with a flick of her fingers.  Regardless of what you are thinking or hoping will happen as a result of this demonstration of photographic prowess, I think it's only fair that you know that with any self-respecting woman there is probably a fairly significant disconnect between the sender and the receiver.

Finally, I feel it is critically important that you understand that the law of reciprocity does not apply to phallic photos.  It is unrealistic, and frankly desperate, for you to request that the recipient send a return photo.  While I certainly cannot speak for all women, I assure you any reciprocal photo that I send will be a picture of batteries, because in my not-so-humble opinion, a couple of Duracell's are far prettier and, in all likelihood, offer a much more satisfying adventure.  

Thank you for your careful consideration of this delicate matter.

R 

I am delighted to report that the only dick pics I've received have been from Joie and she's a girl, furthermore, there were no people in the photo.  OK, there is one with a person, but it's certainly NOT your typical dick pic.  

Until next time.....

XOXO