What does my spleen do?

Hello my darlings,

In response to my therapist's request that I write letters as a way to vent my frustration I thought this was a worthy starting point.....

Dear Gigantic Heartless, Soulless Airline,

Rest assured I do not think it is at all invasive that in order to transfer the travel benefits from my late husbands account, you require that a form be mailed to me (electronic communication is, after all, so blase') completed, notarized and sent back with a "CLEAR, color copy" of my valid US passport and a certified copy of the death certificate.   I understand that you are dealing with critical matters of travel comfort and all I am doing is packing up the life we shared, moving to a new city and starting the next chapter of my life's journey.  Truly, I want to make sure you have everything you need and I am concerned that merely requiring a notary signature on a critical form delivered by the incredibly efficient USPS, a color copy of my passport (must be valid) and the $20/per copy certified death certificate may not be sufficient to complete the transfer of miles that my husband accrued by squeezing his very significant 6'5" frame into your economy plus seats while enduring 11 international flights in the past six years.  Furthermore, I know that you take customer satisfaction very seriously, as evidenced by the not one, but two satisfaction survey calls I've received in response to my inquiry, so in order to ensure you are truly satisfied with our interaction I thought I would take it upon myself to go above and beyond.  (Lord knows I love to be seen as an overachiever!)  Here are a few things I thought I might be able to offer to "sweeten the deal" a bit for you to ensure my request is processed with the utmost urgency.  

Option #1 - one fully functioning kidney - preferably the left one, because I am VERY right dominant, so I'm sure that bad boy is shouldering more than his fair share of the load.  Please know that based on my love of coffee and beer these kidneys are certainly getting sufficient exercise.  Perhaps, I should drink more water, but there are those horror stories about water being contaminated and since alcohol kills those contaminates I truly feel that beer is a much more healthful (and delicious) option. 

Additional bonus #2 - one spleen -- Now I realize, there are probably a lot of people that offer you a kidney, you know since most people have two of them, so I thought I would step up my game and offer you my spleen.  I'm not really sure what it does, but I think I heard somewhere that is helps process contaminated water and since I've already clarified my position on that it is yours for the taking.  (NOTE - If I find out the spleen is actually doing something vital and/or that removal of said spleen will reduce my bodies ability to process beer, wine or spirits, this offer will immediately be rescinded)

Optional other enticements to expeditiously complete the transfer of the above referenced travel benefits:

• Tonsils - I'm 43 and I still have those.  I'm not in any hurry to get rid of them, but if doing so will get me a first class ticket to Barcelona in early April, then I am willing to part with them.
• A bunch of cans of dehydrated food and a giant bucket of dehydrated whole eggs.  Seriously, I've had airline food - it's not going to be worse that what you already serve.
• One boob kitty kitty.  I will even give up the rights if you want to make boob kitty the official mascot of your airline.  Meow!

Thank you for your consideration of this request.  Unfortunately, I am unable to provide clear, color copies of any of the internal organs, because, well, they are internal organs and they are all still working away, except for possibly that spleen, I don't really think that guys doing a whole heck of a lot.  However, if you provide a postage-paid fedex mailer and a cashier's check for $7,000 I will immediately send either the dehydrated food OR Boob Kitty Kitty to you.   Please do not hesitate to reach out if there are any other insignificant organs that I can offer up to ensure my request is processed promptly.

Signed, Spleen free in CO

FWIW - I'm not actually kidding.  To transfer the airline miles from my dead husbands account to my account I really do have to have a form completed and notarized, send a CLEAR color copy of my VALID  US passport and provide a certified copy of the death certificate.  (The agent I spoke with was very careful to emphasize the the passport copy must be clear and legible and that the passport must be valid for at least 6 months.)  In contrast to sell Ray's guns and ammo, I didn't actually have to provide anything!   Thanks Kent and Larry!

Until next time.....

XOXO

R