In case of emergency...
Hello my darlings,
My brain is broken and this is a lot cheaper than therapy, so once again you get a dose-O-Ronda.
Since I once again have health insurance I have started a quest to find new medical providers and schedule appointments, or at least I'm attempting to do so. Based on some occasional tooth pain finding a dentist seemed like the logical first start. I trust you all remember the extensive research performed in identifying the appropriate tires to purchase. Well, based on that history, it's probably not surprising I did about as much research in finding a dentist. Recently, I was walking home from work, earlier than normal, thinking that I should vary my route slightly, so I could stop in to schedule a massage. Full disclosure I was ready to get naked in the lobby if they would have told me that a massage therapist was available - lucky for everyone that didn't happen! As I was approaching Massage Envy, I realized that there is a dentist right next door. Since I am trying to function as a grown-up, at least part of the time, I decided I should prioritize my dental health over a good rubdown, though the massage was way more appealing. Once again, demonstrating my exceptional research abilities as it relates to all matters of life-based decisions, I walked in and asked if they accept my insurance. They do, so I now have a dentist. Though after visiting this dentist this week I am not sure this was the best decision. There currently are no issues with my teeth, but somehow the "plan" he is putting together is going to involve several thousand dollars worth of dental care and a mouth guard since apparently I grind my teeth.
The funny thing about my inability to research things is that I am actually very analytical at work. I am quite adept at looking at the short-term request and analyzing, or at least proselytizing, the long-term potential impacts. I'm not sure how or why I am unable to employ these well-honed skills about anything life-impacting. I'm sure I can blame this on some deep-seated emotional trauma from my childhood (now that you've read about my family, could you blame me if I did #thatshitsdysfucntional) or attribute it to the turmoil of my life in the past 12-months, but the reality is that I've pretty much always sucked at this. I'm much more comfortable dealing with, arguing about and solving business problems, than I am researching, assessing and deciding on matters of health, finances or state of mind. For the past 18-years, if there was research about any sort of domestic matter, Mr. Research did that for me. In the 25-years prior to that, OK, well, my parents (my mom, it was definitely my mom doing all of that stuff) did it for me for 16-18 years, so really it was only from about 18-25-years old that I even had to consider making any sort of "life" decisions and, as is the case with a lot, perhaps most, kids that age many of those decisions were pretty questionable.
Now, however, as I round the corner on 45, it seems like I should be more capable of employing some semblance of critical-thinking skill to the decisions that actually impact my life, rather than only using those skills regarding matters of co-workers and/or paychecks. I should! I really, really should.... I just have no idea how.
Please don't interpret this to mean I am a deadbeat, I'm definitely not a deadbeat. I have excellent credit, I always pay my bills on time, I am clean and well-kempt, my apartment is not spotless, but it could be much worse. I manage my day to day adult responsibilities pretty well, I just suck at evaluating, researching or analysing decisions. I prefer to just do something impulsive, then spend weeks/months/years beating myself up about how I probably could have made a better decision had I not just reacted impulsively. OR I procrastinate!
Case in point, the reason I didn't have health insurance most of this year, is because I just didn't get it done. I was busy and emotionally overwhelmed during the first 60-days of 2017, the period in which I was eligible for Obamacare. Then in June when I was doing the consulting gig, I was eligible for benefits through the placement firm, but at that point, I hated my job and I didn't want to be there, so rather than just clicking the few checkboxes in the same system I logged into every week to log my hours, thereby ensuring I got paychecks, and I ALWAYS made sure I got paychecks, I didn't manage to get that done. When I finally tried, it was beyond the first 30-days of my employment and I was no longer eligible. #DUMBASS!
My current source of eternal procrastination currently is this stupid PMP Exam. I need to get it done by the end of the year, but I don't want to do it. Every fiber of being is repulsed by the whole idea of this stupid certification, therefore every time I attempt to study, the alarm bells in my head sound-off and I end up in a self-pity spiral. On top of that when I tried to register for the exam I couldn't do it, because I need to have a "Sponsor ID" or pay $405 to take the damn test. I don't want to take the test, so I am NOT spending $405, but the ding-dong at the training center where I took the class can't seem to figure out how to help me, partly because I was supposed to have done this within 90-days of completing the course. FMLIFE!
Clearly, there is a pattern here and obviously I am the cause of my own chaos, but I can't figure out how to get out of my own damn way. In an attempt to change this behavior, I decided this morning, when I was wide-awake at 4AM, that I should break this pattern and do some research to find a doctor. There is nothing specific I need to address, but I haven't had a physical in more than two-years, so I figure I should get that done. I big-girled-up, I logged on and the website directed me to a questionnaire. So far so good, general health questions, where I live, yada yada yada, all is well, then I get to the "Emergency Contact" section. At that point I closed the browser, got back into my bed and sobbed.
Now, I am out of my bed, though that may be temporary, whining to all of you in the hope that one of my female peeps in the Denver metro area will take pity on me and recommend a doctor that isn't a sadist somewhere nearby. Maybe I can even convince that friend to go with me to the doctor to hold my hand and/or fill out the damn paperwork. Furthermore, I think I will just enter Frank Azar as my emergency contact. I mean really, isn't an ambulance chasing lawyer that advertises during daytime television the ideal contact should there be an actual an emergency when this new doctor is looking at my hoooohaw.
Until next time...
XOXO