Who moved my Febreeze?
Hello my lovelies,
I realize I just posted one of these, but weekends are the loneliest part of my new big girl life and frankly I'm feeling wordy, so just consider this a double dose of Ronda. Comeonnow, who doesn't want a little more Ronda. I guess it's feasible (read probable) that you DON'T actually want a little more Ronda. Furthermore, I do recognize the irony in touting it as "a little more Ronda" cause, yeah, well, even I realize that a "little" Ronda is a whole lot more than you get in a supersize portion of most things. Meh! What are you gonna do, I wrote it, I sent it and now you get to decide whether you want to buckle up and join this crazy train or click delete.
I trust you've all encountered the book Who Moved My Cheese or something similar. Since my ultimate goal is to write a self-help book, which, in the exact vein of every other self-help book on the planet, will not be even remotely helpful. SIDEBAR: Dr. Laura Schlessinger wrote one of these worthless books titled The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. Bitch please! It was bad enough that I was responsible for shopping, cooking and cleaning, if that man can't even feed his damn self his shit is gonna starve, but I digress. Today I am going to provide you a little insight into the cast of characters I work with. Please note that names have been changed to protect, ah hell, the names have been changed because frankly, none of them have a name that will ever be as funny as "Ms. Shay" and besides, the alliterative names I coined for them are way more fun.
Once upon a time at Company X, which may or may not resemble a government entity, there was a motley little crew of employees. First, we have Passive-aggressive Patty. Pattycake loves to ask for permission before carrying out even the most mundane task. Co. X also employs Whirlwind Whitney. This whirling dervish is very busy! She's doing a lot, OMG, soooooo busy! She's always going a hundred miles a minute, BUSY, do you hear me, she is BIIZZZZZYYYY. There is also Huffing Hanna. Hannakin is a shy, odd little thing that is so skinny she'd probably blow away in a gentle breeze, save for the fact she wears 18-pounds of makeup to provide sufficient ballast to keep her anchored to the ground. It seems like having that much weight on her face would impact her center of gravity, but she doesn't seem overly trippy, so I guess she's adapted well. Then there is Jerkstore Jack. Jackass is... Well, he's a self-righteous, ego-maniacal dick with a superiority complex and an ample supply of video games which he uses, quite effectively, to help pass the time between when the work day starts and when it ends. Yay achievers! Finally we have Bitchy Ronda. She is bitchy and her name is Ronda. Spoiler alert, I play one of the characters in this story -- betcha can't guess which one I am.
For many moons all was right with the universe. When they weren't busying themselves with the dubious tasks of asking permission or electronically defeating the bad guy in video games Patty Pan and JJ spend their remaining hours making up odd little pet-names for one another. Since neither of them do much real work they have LOTS of time to play the goofy-ass pet-name game. Whirly-Derv-Whitters has been doing a LOT, for four months she was talking to EVERYONE and doing stuff, like, kind of a lot of stuff. Not like the kind of stuff that you like actually define a strategy for or write down, but like stuff, you know what I mean, a lot of stuff! Oh and did I mention she was BUSY, very busy! All the while Hannabug mostly just hides in her little hovel spraying her can of Febreeze and reapplying the ill-advised lipstick shade she selected that morning. Then one day the blissfully dull, unmotivated balance was upended when most horrible beast, Bitchy Ronda, entered the picture. Bitchy is bossy! She thinks that people should work efficiently and effectively and actually get shit done, or at least pretend to do the work that they are being paid to do. It's such an unnatural shift that the people of Company X aren't really sure how to deal with her.
Surprise! That one is me. I am Bitchy Ronda! I'm the horrible beast! I know, shocking, isn't it. (insert eye-roll - BIG eye-roll - here)
Zip it Townsend!
I'm not entirely kidding about this. Ding and Dong really do call each other by the most ridiculous pet-names all day, every day. Please note, I don't for a minute think there is anything going on between them, I think they are just both weird. Whirlwind Whitney, is really nice and actually a lot of fun to be around, but she has spent months doing a lot of stuff, though she never bothered to define or document any of it. Now she gets defensive when asked to explain all of the incredibly "valuable work" that has kept her busy all these months. Since I am going to own the thing she's been building, a tremendous amount of my time and mental energy, is spent trying to decipher what she did and most importantly why. Finally, Huffing Hanna and that damn can of Febreeze. I wish I was joking about this. For the last few weeks I've walked out of the building with a headache nearly every afternoon. I knew there was a perfumey stench, but I wasn't entirely sure of the source and since by the end of week six I'd already exceeded my six-month quota of pissing people off I opted to STFU and deal! Late Thursday when I walked by her cubicle on the way to chat with my boss I noticed a purple, aerosol can of Febreeze on her desk. I'm not sure if she has a flatulence problem she's trying to mask or what the story is with the Febreeze, but it's terrible. Now that I know the source I will NOT act like PA-Patty and I'm going engage her in a collegially chat on Monday to ask her to tone down the Febreeze.
Working with Passive-aggressive Patty is the biggest challenge for me. Shortly, after I started I made a joke about being empowered just as soon as we get permission. PaP is the source of, and constant fodder for, that joke. Last last week I had an epiphany when I realized that continually asking for permission is the ultimate act of passive-aggressive behavior. If she asked for permission then she always has someone to blame if things go awry. There is absolutely ZERO accountability because someone told her to do whatever, so it's never her lack of knowledge, skill, ability, reasoning or judgement to blame. There is ALWAYS someone else in that line of fire. Recently, I made a very aggressive pitch to my boss to let me take on more work to improve the process without asking permission. While, I realize that it sounds like I'm bitching about asking for permission then I went and asked for permission, but I assure you my "permission" request most definitely was not interpreted as passive-aggressive. In fact, my boss responded with a shocked look on his face and said something like "that's a big challenge are you really sure what you are committing to." I'm confident that he has never felt like I was being overly passive.
My poor boss! He's a very lovely man, but his life was so much more peaceful before Bitchy, Raucous Ronda came into his life. I swear I have the best of intentions, my approach is just considerably more aggressive than what most of the poor, unsuspecting suckers at Company X are accustomed to.
I swear I really am trying to play nice, I just suck at that!
Until next time...
XOXO