The luck and the pot - a conspiracy theory!
Hello my darlings,
I am alarmed to alert you that I sincerely believe I there is a mass conspiracy against me. I haven't yet notified the authorities, mostly because I'm not sure which authority deals with this, but once I figure that out I will be reporting this!
Now before you assume that I'm just being an alarmist, which I totally am, as usual, let me assure this really is traumatic for me. It all started a couple of weeks ago, which, not coincidentally, is also the time I started my new job. I don't remember for certain, but it was either day one or two in this new gig when this conspiracy began to rear her ugly head. First, I was invited to a meeting titled "Halloween Planning" GAH! Uhhhhhh, noooooooooooooo - I don't DO Halloween! Being the new kid in class is hard! I'm still trying to hide the fact that I am a complete asshole from my coworkers, well, most of them, but I digress, so in an attempt to play nice I attended the Halloween planning meeting. To kick off the meeting, the leader of this schtick informed us that our team's theme for Halloween would be Comic Con! WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGG! At this point I am fairly certain that I am being punked because I DON'T DO HALLOWEEN and I most certainly DO NOT DO Comic Con! Since I was at the meeting and since I'm still trying to maintain an a-hole factor of <5, I sat there attempting to not look appalled (exponentially harder than it might seem) and half-ass participate in the conversation. Luckily, I work with some serious smartasses, so we cracked a respectable number of jokes about potential costumes. After 20 minutes I could no longer hide my loathe of all things Halloweeen, so when they began talking about a "field trip" to Party City, I politely, er mostly politely, politeishly, excused myself from the conversation. Apparently, in honor of Halloween (BLECH) our entire work area will be transformed into Comic Con complete with superheroes, Avengers movies playing and two video game stations. I have absolutely ZERO knowledge of all of these subjects, so now I just need to figure out how to skip out on these festivities.
Crisis averted, right? Oh how I wish.... Mere moments after returning to my desk where I was attempting to figure out what they heck they are actually paying me to do, I recieved an email about the Halloween Potluck! I'm not gonna lie, I considered resigning right then and there. It was my first week in this job and I was inflicted with the trifecta of shit I don't do!
Those of you who've been dealing with my nonsense for a while, undoubtedly remember how much I haaaaaaaaaate potlucks (aka the horror of the countless church potlucks I was forced to endure as a child, all of those post-funeral potlucks with the plethora of radioactive jello-salads and let us not forget the Ms. Shay potluck ala Christmas 2014. #bestrootcanalever(in case you weren't privy to that whole charade I scheduled a root canal to avoid attending the company Christmas potluck) #thatshowIpotluck
Now I am faced with a serious conundrum. In my first 30-days at this job, with no vacation accrued, I'm taking a day off to go to New York for a long weekend. I finally have health insurance again (yeah, I know I could have gotten health insurance early in 2017, but my life was sort of sideways and I didn't get it done, then when I tried I was no longer eligible. fmylife!) but I have not had time to schedule any appointments. I'm afraid it may be a long shot, but I am going to do my best to schedule some sort of procedure for Oct 31. At this point I'm considering a colonoscopy, because that is seriously much more appealing than a Comic-Con-themed Halloween potluck at work. A mammogram, these girls aren't getting any other attention these days, so why not go for a big boob-smooooooosh, and frankly that sounds less painful than a potluck. I would even consider an appendectomy, though with the hell I put my liver through I probably shouldn't toss out any organs, even if they aren't doing anything. Hell, I'd even consider a vasectomy, though I'm not actually certain I could convince a surgeon to do that, you know since I don't have any boybits and stuff, and if I did find a freak-o-surgeon, I think it's highly unlikely that insurance would cover it. I know I've played this card once already, but I have had some tooth pain around a crown recently, so I can't rule out the possibility of another potluck induced root canal. I love root canals, or at least the ones that get me out of playing nice a potluck.
I'll keep you posted on what I am able to schedule.
Until next time...
XOXO