What Happens in Vegas
Hello my darlings,
Happy New Years Eve, or as I prefer to call it, Happy Good F*ing Riddance 2016! In 2016 I lost two uncles, one aunt, one job, one dog and one husband. Needless to say this entire year has pretty much sucked, so I am very happy to welcome 2017 with the anticipation that it has got to be better than 2016. One silver lining in all of this chaos is the job situation! The timing of that layoff could not have been better. I am very lucky to have received that severance package and have the time available to keep myself busy and distracted so I don't actually have to deal with the madness that is my real life. Since my last coffee update I've gone to Vegas, moved the old people home (aka shopping, dusting, toilet scrubbing and laundry) engaged in/co-hosted one very debaucherous happy hour, began coordinating the a memorial service/celebration-of life service, initiated a mass purge of my closet and a guest room that's been housing the previously purged closet items and started planning a spring trip to Tuscany with my friend Kristen.
Where oh where shall I begin this tale..... I could start at the beginning, but chronology bores me, so I think I'll start with the fun and go from there in any damn order I choose... you all know how I do loves being in control!!!! ❤️ (I also love how auto-correct tries to tell me that I should say "love" instead of "loves" in that sentence, to which I say screw you auto-correct I do LOVES me some control!) FWIW I do NOT resolve to become a grownup in 2017, so this shit will continue... You're welcome!
Honestly, don't all of the best tales end in debauchery? Clearly, that's where this nonsense must begin. In order to keep in touch with some of former IHS co-workers, I attempt, thoughnot always successfully, to coordinate happy hours for us to get together a few times per year. As a result of my shitshow life, newly found freedom from responsibility (I do know that shit will get REAL once this whole probate business gets going, but until then I'm in responsibility limbo) and love of all things happy hour, I asked my friends Tom and Kim if we could host a happy hour at their house and if I could spend the night so I didn't have to behave or figure out how to get my drunk butt home. Since they too love all things happy hour and take pity on my sorry ass they said yes. The story that I am sticking with is that technically I only had ONE glass of wine (ok, full confession I drank 3 while we were getting this ready before the others arrived) but the one glass that I am telling you about, somehow became a couple of bottles, (ish - counting was not a thing I did or could even possibly consider doing) because my dear friend Alex kept refilling my damn glass. Every time I got near the bottom of the glass more wine magically appeared. Short of that whole water to wine trick, (Alex please let me know when you've mastered that one) which would save me a boatload of money, this was a pretty awesome game, at least I seemed that way in the moment. The party was great! We ate, we drank, I cried, because my stupid head will not stop leaking, we laughed and generally had a blast. After everyone left Kim and I relaxed in the hot tub (yes, with more booze, until the bottle fell in the hot tub) and finally we all passed out. This morning was a lethargic one for all of us, but luckily Kim makes amazing sausage gravy for biscuits and gravy, so after much coffee, even more water and a generous serving of b&g the world was once again rotating on it's appropriate axis.
After a night of debauchery I figured it would only be fitting that I next tackle gluttony, so I recruited my friend Lara to help me haul a carload of crap that I'd previously purged from my closet to ARC. Once we dropped of the four boxes of clothes, two boxes of housewares and a giant stack of bedding I decided that I was in a purge mood and since I had a willing sidekick it would be the appropriate time to purge my closet. The closet purge resulted in two more boxes of clothes to donate, a nearly full closet rack of clothes to sell at a consignment shop and an expurgation of 19 pairs of shoes and 12 handbags. I know - stop the damn bus - Ronda is getting rid of purses and shoes? Clearly this is not a thing that happens often. This was, however, truly a gluttony purge. I'm not sure why I even had much of that crap and I promise you I haven't worn it in a very long time, but don't you worry your pretty little heads about me I still have more than a dozen purses and at least 40 pairs of shoes. Once again, all is right with the world!
I'm not going to bore you here with a lot of details about the oldies other than to lament that they did not go into assisted living, rather they are once again as home. She is not coping with her son's death well at all and as a result seems to want me to be her new super-best friend (I trust that you all remember the puppies, homeless Vietnam vets and autistic children I am currently recruiting) As for the old man, well, not much to say other than he is still really old and pretty much as crazy as always. Rest assured I will be regaling you with plenty of tales about the old and the crazy in your coffee future.
In honor of the chinese food Christmas dinner enjoyed in my all time favorite movie, A Christmas Story, (I know that is obvious to those of you who have had the pleasure of witnessing my bordello curtains and year-round leg lamp display) I had to share one very humorous Vegas Christmas experience. It was Sunday night, not terribly late (oh, who I am kidding, it was 8:30, I was going up to my room to read my book and go to bed at 8:30. That's how I start my new super, sexy single life in Vegas, in bed, alone at 8:30 - no judging) as I get into the elevator to return to my room on the 10th floor, there was a cute, but ancient, little Asian woman struggling to work the elevator. She kept pressing her floor (7) then would immediately press the "lobby" button again. After a couple of attempts with her at the controls and the elevator not moving, I stepped in front of her, pressed the 7 then the 10 and voila, the doors close and the elevator began to move. To this amazing act, she responded with something that sounded like this.... "Ooooohaaa, ju hassa prass tuuuuuu buttom to maasck eleeevatoo goes uuuup" That night I had visions of frail little Asian women, not sugar plum fairies, dancing in my head. As a bonus, if this whole unemployed widow gig doesn't work out I now realize that I have some mad elevator skills, so maybe I can become a doorman. BOOM! 😜
Vegas was good, but it's not my thing. The casinos give me sensory overload. They are too loud, to blingy and too crowded for me to enjoy (oh and I would rather buy purses and shoes than donate money to slot machines) but I will admit that it was very nice to have a distraction and I can truly say that Christmas Day came and went pretty much like any other day without even a hint of nostalgia. (Wahoo my avoidance strategy is working!) The other highlights from the trip are pretty much typical Vegas fare. There were an obscene number of very poor fashion choices, many of them verging on criminal, way too many near misses with strollers and/or camera wielding Asians/Indians, an overabundance of dumb bitches taking selfies, including at least half a dozen with selfie-sticks, a very short-lived streak of beginners luck at the blackjack table (sidebar: I did leave Vegas $150 up!) and one incredibly fun, but very expensive night in a dueling piano bar with my friend Kim.
This next week is going to be a tough one for me. I have to finalize the details for the memorial service, coordinate activities with the funeral home, meet with the lawyer to initiate the probate case, clean my house in preparation for the friends and family that will be in town next weekend, deal with the phone calls from my idiot family members, attempt to maintain an arms-length from Ray's grieving mother to maintain the last shred of my sanity and continue to search for what my new normal is going to look like. I appreciate the calls, cards, texts and emails and my apologies for not acknowledging them all individually. As always I appreciate you tolerating my therapy rants. I am looking forward to experiencing and sharing some much more entertaining coffee topics than death and old people, but until that happens thanks for tolerating this....
Until next time....
XOXO - R