Other people's problems

As I'm sure you remember from previous coffees and or whining conversations with me things at work are generally a mess.  We will soon be receiving the official announcement about the selected outsource partner and the timelines for transition (aka how soon I am going to be out of a job).  As the announcement date gets closer the actual productivity output continues to drop precipitously.  A few weeks ago there were a number of internal positions posted and like an idiot I applied.  After much consideration (read agonizing hours of endless chatter in my stupid head) I decided to withdraw myself from consideration for one of the roles and was rejected for the other.  Since then I've been encouraged to apply for another of the internal roles.  I was tempted to say no, but then I took a step back and decided that the pay is pretty darn good, the health insurance benefits are fantastic and the commute is a breeze, so I applied.  I HATE that I am now that dorky little kid on the playground jumping up and down like a damn fool shouting "pick me, pick me" but that's pretty much what this is at this point.  

Late this week, my boss, who is also the hiring manager and the one that encouraged me to apply, told me that our CIO is now questioning my"qualifications" for that final role.  I will admit that there is a part of the role that I do not have a lot of expertise in, fortunately, that's the part that is easy to learn.  The majority of the job requires being able to pull people together to drive decisions and being "a bit of a bulldog" with the new vendor as necessary.  WHAT?  Decisions -- check!  I LOVE making decisions.  Bulldog -- hhmmmm I typically get referred to as a pitbull rather than a bulldog, but either way you all know that if the role requires someone to play the bossy bitch card, I've got that card at the ready.  Needless to say I am annoyed that the CIO is questioning my qualifications.  Seems like a woman in charge of eliminating 100+ jobs might have a few other things to worry about aside from my experience with web applications.  Either way, I am anticipating getting the rejection for that job next week and will need to focus on my job search in earnest.  

Rather than getting in my own head and generally making myself crazy, I've decided to focus on other people's problems to make me feel less like a loser in my own pathetic life.  Please know that any resemblance to any recipient of this coffee is purely coincidental (not really) and shared with love (that's totally true)!

Here are a few "Other people problems" that I've been graced with recently......

Decisions, decisions....

While attending her child's orchestra performance I had a friend who arrived a few minutes late and was forced to make the painstaking decision of which ex-husband to sit beside.  It's not like she's been married to all of the men in the audience a few of them actually had wives with them, but she did have a few options and lucky for her all of them had an empty seat available.  

Solution:

I am going to buy her a portable chair that she can schlep around with her, so she avoid this awkward situation in the future.  Not sure she really needs a walker just yet, but that rolling walker/chair thing could really help in these situations.

Swinging anyone......

Recently my incredibly beautiful and single friend went on a date with a very good-looking man that she knew only casually.  After a long diatribe on politics and how she is expected to vote in November, Mr. Very-good-looking-until-he-opens-his-damn-mouth decided to inform my friend that he is a swinger, but his WIFE is not. 

Solution

To help her and all of my single friends avoid this situation in the future I am going to setup a website called "swingingpigs.com" and will make sure this louse gets registered there.  See Ms. CIO fancy-pants, girl gots some web skilllzzzzz!

Allowance increase.....

What is the proper protocol when ones child (who's in college) insists that he be compensated for helping his brother (who's out of college already)?
Solution
Buy them both one-way bus tickets in opposite directions at least two-time zones away from your current residence.  How you like that allowance now son?
 

Hair-club for black women

After a few very unfortunate attempts at DIY hair color Ms. Shay is now nearly bald.  She knows that she is going to need to be interviewing for jobs very soon and there are large patches of hair missing from the sides and back of her head.  How does she address this issue?  By asking yours truly for advise.  

Solution

Uhhhhmmmmm, yeah, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm  Decapitation seems a bit harsh, a wig (especially one that she would pick) would not be a viable option, so I suggested (actually, in my out loud voice I said this) "shave your head and embrace the gray when it starts to grow back"

Limitations, schmitations........

I seem to attract people that aren't necessarily good at expecting their physical limitations.  They decide to do things like hike a vertical mile (with a gimp foot) or sign-up for a damn 500-mile bike ride then end up suffering or agonizing about these stupid decisions.

Solution

Maybe this moron should get an ex or two or become a swinger or pop out a few kids just to have something else to focus on........

Until next time....

XOXO