An Ode to Mom

Earlier this week I heard a statistic, from a very reliable source (it was a morning radio show ) that 71% of moms said that the ideal Mother's Day gift would be a day away from the kids.  FWIW - I suspect that the real number is much higher, but many of the moms were those polite, sweet, doting women that were embarrassed to be that honest.  I also heard a radio commercial for a jewelry store touting that Mother's Day isn't only for Mothers, but also for wives.  Ridiculous, but I digress!   Yesterday I had to stop by Target (I needed to buy razors so I could shave my legs because I had an appointment with my new uber-hot physical therapist today)  so I was able to witness first hand the hoards of men in the card aisle.  Really?  Guys, I think you can probably find a little more creative way to thank your wife for pushing a child or two out of her hoohaw than a stupid Hallmark card.  The whole card aisle scene was a silly, but I got my razors (and a few other things because damn you Target I can't leave without dropping $100) and I picked a place in line behind one of those hapless chaps.  He bought a card.  JUST a card.  It cost $7.63!  WTF!  I almost passed out!  I wanted so badly to pull him aside and let him know that his wife can read on the back of the card how much he paid and when she sees that his stupid ass paid almost $8 for a f*ing card she'd going to beat him and he will probably be sleeping on the couch... for a month!    I pay for my items and as I was walking out I pass a register where father-of-the-year guy was talking, very loudly, about how every year for the last 15-years he's bought his wife a card and a box of candy (he had those nasty Ferrero Rocher things - YUCK) and his kids always buy her flowers for her garden.  Wow - BIG creativity points for buying the same crappy shit year after year!  She's one lucky gal!  After this I was happy to retreat to my car and escape this nonsense, but it occurred to me that should probably capitalize on this opportunity and start a service to help these pathetic creatures purchase gifts that might actually result in them getting laid!  Not sure what I would call that business, but I think it's a fabulous idea!

While I am building my business plan to rescue men and sex lives I thought I would offer a bit of free advice to the dads that share my coffee.  Here are a few things that your wife and the mother of your children, might actually want for Mother's Day.

1. A Spa day - 71% of moms want a day away from the kids.  I love spas because they NEVER have kids running around in them and seriously it's a gift certificate.  It's easy, she's relaxed and voila! 
2. A night in a hotel - alone!  I know you love your wife and that she loves you back, at least most of the time, but seriously we ALL need some time away, so a night in a hotel by herself (at least as far as you know) where she can read a book or watch a movie and order room service would be fabulous.  
3. A vacation - alone!  Depending how raucous your kids are this may be 2-days to 2-weeks.  
4. A Maid service - one time or ongoing. FYI - Ongoing is REQUIRED if you have male children because seriously there are not enough damn Cheerios on the planet to help you men aim!
5. Jewelry - if you wife is into jewelry then this might be an option, but tacky, cheap jewelry is never the right option
6. A very nice dinner out - without the kids!
7. A very nice meal in as long as she doesn't have to cook or clean and if the dinner is served with copious quantities of very good wine.  NOTE: this is really only an option if the kids are actually well-behaved.  If you happen to have produced a few little devil spawns this option is clearly on the DON'T list

Here are a few things your wife does NOT want for Mother's day.

1. A bouquet of flowers
2. A box of crappy candy
3. A homemade anything crafted by anyone over the age of 4
4. Attitude from her mouthy teenagers
5. Attitude from her obnoxious husband
6. That annoying hard-on back poke thing.  That technique does not and will not "get us in the mood" and by the way this is not just a Mother's day thing - women don't want that, EVER!
7. Lingerie or anything from Victoria's Secret
8. A trip to the petting zoo (or any other zoo) as a family
9. A trip to an amusement park with the family (caveat, if you married a people watcher this might be an option because those places offer freaks-o-plenty, but an amusement park won't get you any nookie on Mother's Day... or ever!)
10. A f*ing $8 card

I hope I was able to save you all from making and unfortunate Mother's day purchases.  You're Welcome!  

Until next time...

XOXO

BTW - earlier this week I saw that O-Magazine had an article titled "How to Dress-Up Sweatpants"  YOU'RE DEAD TO ME OPRAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!