Throat-punching magic and bunch of things I don't understand

Hello my lovelies,

I am feeling like one big ole ray-of-sunshine on this cool late-summer day.  I'm thrilled to be wrapping up this project management job (~18 more working hours until I'm done).  The whole experience has been fine, but I found myself disappointed and frankly disgusted witnessing the mortgage industry from the inside.  Furthermore, the experience reinforced that I now know unequivocally that I do not want to be a project manager.  I hate that I accepted a grant to pay for the PMP certification class.  Now I am obligated to study and sit for an exam to gain a credential for a job that I don't want to do.  YAY decisions!  (FWIW I blame Agrium for this PMP fiasco)  Oh well, I'm sure that a few extra letters on my LinkedIn profile will look very impressive to those Indian recruiters that keep calling me for warehouse management jobs.  

This week I received my official confirmation on the city job!  Signing the acceptance letter was step one, but they don't actually allow you to start until the background check is successful and all of the paperwork complete.  As I was reviewing the benefit options I realized that this job is my destiny!  Turns out one of the benefits is that I get to go to work AND punch things!  How could a job get any more perfect!  BTW -- If you just heard something that sounded like a death wail that was undoubtedly Alex Stefanacci pleading with the universe to stop this crazy train before the clock strikes 7:30 am on Sept 25.  Alex, I just know what an exceptional relationship you have with HR and I look forward to providing you many more opportunities to further develop and enhance that rapport.   XO

Ok, before Jenn is forced to call an ambulance to revive Alex I should probably clarify....  If I'm being perfectly honest I will admit that I've experienced a significant number of meetings that would have immediately been more productive by rendering a bitch mute with one well placed throat punch.  That said I'm not planning to use these punches to improve productivity, I'll be using them to alleviate stress and burn calories.  While it could certainly be very stress-reducing to punch annoying co-workers you will be pleased to know that I will be directing that energy toward a heavy-bag.  One of the "perks" is the fitness center.  They have classes to help motivate my fat ass to move and one of those class just happens to be a boxing class every Tuesday at 1.   I discovered kickboxing a few years ago and I realized I am a much nicer human when I get to beat the hell out of something.  Bet all my Agrium peeps wish they would have known this little secret earlier.  

This newly discovered energy and enthusiasm, as well as being out in public a fair amount has me pondering a few things.  Those of you who've been drinking my cuppa crazy for a while have been exposed to a few of these lists, so just think of this as the latest installment of things that don't (and pretty much refuse to objectively attempt to) understand....  

1. The "man bun"  that back of the neck man bun was/is a ghastly trend, but this new top knot man bun is ridiculous and hideous.  I really feel like I need to carry scissors with me everywhere I go. 
2. Bluetooth speakers.  It makes me crazy being forced to listen to someone else's music, because the little shitbags won't use ear buds and instead blast their obnoxious rap/techno/metal bullshit via a Bluetooth speaker.  FWIW, this happens a lot on the train.  Amazing coincidence these same assclowns frequently wreak of pot smoke.  I know weird, right?
3. Crazy-ass diet plans. There's a dude in my office that is doing some crazy diet where he fasts for two, non-consecutive days then eats bizarre food combinations on the day between fasting.  After the second fast he gets to eat real food for three days, then he starts the whole thing over again.  He explained that is intentionally a six day plan, to rotate the fasting days. (Spoiler alert, I didn't actually care about that detail, but thought some of you might question the 2+1+3 knowing that there are actually SEVEN days in a week.  Yay math!) This week for his jacked-up food combination he was allowed to eat grapefruit and boiled eggs.  WTF?  I like eggs and grapefruit is alright, I prefer it in juice form with vodka, but hey that's just… no, that's not just me, I'm pretty sure there are a whole lot of you nodding a big ole hell yes to grapefruit juice and vodka, but I digress.  The point is grapefruit and eggs do not belong together.  He is supposed to continue this crazy-ass diet for 10-weeks.  The theory is that this diet puts your body into "pure fat burning mode!"  Supposedly this diet allows your body to burn stored fat rather than the sugar reserves that most of us live on.  (Full disclosure there have been a few weeks this summer where I am certain that my body was solely fueled by the toxic sludge my liver was pumping out.  Sorry liver, I love you again!  most days...)  In reality, what this diet actually does is makes him an irritable dick with funky body odor.  Shocking that fasting then eating eggs and grapefruit then fasting again would arouse some odd bodily funk.  The stench wafts through the air every time he walks by my desk, which coincidentally is about 4000 very smelly times per days.
4. The brand Skinny Cow.  Apparently, most of my office is on a diet right now, so earlier this week a woman was singing the praises of Skinny Cow Ice Cream and what an indulgent treat it is.   WTF!  I don't get it.  For starters it's diet ice cream, maybe you should forego ice cream if you're on a "diet" or here's a thought, just say eff it and eat the real thing if ice cream is what you really want.  The marketing for this product is trying to make you believe that if you consume this "diet" brand of ice cream you won't be a fat cow any longer.  So, I'll be a skinny cow?  I don't actually want to be labeled a cow at all.  PS, This fat girl loves me some gelato.   MOOOOOOOOOO
5. Twitter.   Now I'm not an expert, but this seems to be a platform where a bunch of people with nothing valuable to say, say extraordinarily little, very frequently a few characters at a time.   What I really want to understand is why can't/won't the Twitter-gods shut down Trump's account already!  Only 93.7% of the world HATES us currently, pretty soon those final third world countries are going to get the interwebs and read what this jackass is tweeting.
6. Hackers   Clearly these jerkstores have skills why can't they do something productive.  My primary Visa was compromised this week. I think I caught it early enough that there's no real harm, but it's still a colossal pain in the ass.
7. Snapchat!  I know many of you love this application, but I do not get it.  I recently observed two 30-something woman that clearly cared enough about one another to get dressed, put on makeup and go out for breakfast together.  So why would these attractive, seemingly intelligent women waste the first 25 minutes of their time together making kissy-face and puppy dog eyes into their cell phones.  What have we become!  I wanted to slap both of them and remind them that they were in public, with a human!  This is a grand opportunity to engage, to talk, to laugh, to gossip and make fun of other people around you, but for god-sake JUST BE HUMAN!  ….and seriously, can we stop with the f*ing selfies already.  
8. Hipster beards.  Don't get me wrong, I am a woman who loves facial hair.  I think a man with well-kempt facial hair is incredibly sexy!  Those nasty, long, scraggily hipster beards are terrible.  For some reason these men think it's cool to look like a Neanderthal with a shaggy beard and a top knot man bun.  It's not!  It's terrible!  
9. Risotto!  Damn you delicious creamy, decadent rice whore, I want to love you, but I can't figure you out.   I can cook a lot of shit, pretty darn well, risotto fails every time.  I want to master this, so decided to sign up for a class to learn how to make risotto.   When I called to sign-up the perky little bimbo on the other end of the line cheerfully exclaimed that risotto is a "date night" event at the cooking school!  Yet another risotto FAIL!   I take this as proof that the universe does not want my fat ass to make risotto. 
10. The porn-star-'stache    Again, facial hair done well is SEXY, a creepy-ass mustache is just creepy.  Maybe I should carry a razor with my scissors. 

Until next time...

XOXO

PS - My life is nearly complete.  Jen Lancaster released one new book already and has another coming out in October.  I heart you Jen Lancaster!