Comic Come-on......
Hello my darlings,
For any of your who actually enjoy the kind of events where you are expected to wear some outlandish (or slutty) costume and don copious amounts of makeup you probably won't enjoy this coffee, because, full disclosure: I HATE THAT SHIT! I am not kidding - I absolutely despise it! I stopped dressing up for, and trick-or-treating when I was in the third grade because I hated it even then. The whole idea of wearing a stupid costume is appalling and ridiculous to me, so it probably won't be a surprise that sharing the light rail with a few dozen costume-clad Comic Con attendees was pretty much my version of hell.
This week has been a very introspective week for me. I've lamented to several of you that while I am enjoying working and love having something to focus on, I really wish I could have done something part time. As a result of my introspection, and the fact that my boss is on vacation, I've decided to modify my schedule to only work half-days on, every Friday. As a result of this new found freedom (and the fact that I am only supposed to bill 40-hours per week) I decided to pack up my laptop and head to the train shortly after noon today. It was rather shocking when I got to the Dry Creek Light Rail Station (possibly the most Wonder-Bread section in all of Denver) and encountered a giant man (not kidding this dude was probably 7-feet tall) dressed like a rabbit (ala Alice in Wonderland). One extremely rotund man dressed in very ill-fitted tuxedo pant with a black and red vest, white make-up and a top hat (I have no clue who he was supposed to be, but he looked like a creepy, Joker-esque sausage stuffed into a tuxedo he wore to his prom in 1983) and one portly woman in a fishnet bodysuit, prouding displaying her bulging bosoms in red bra and very tight, short, black shorts, oh and a cape. Thank god for the cape! NOTE: that statistic about 60% of women wearing the wrong size bra... she definitely is part of that statistic. Both band and cup were wrong - VERY WRONG! When the train arrived I quickly stepped forward to the next car and all was right with the world, until we got to the next stop.....
At that stop two men boarded the train car that I was in looking very much like Pimps. Pimp Daddy (not to be confused with Pimp Chaddy - WOOT WOOT Pimp Chaddy!) was dressed in yellow pants and a black and yellow shirt with a purple velvet jacket flung across his shoulder. The other, who I will assume was Pimp Daddy's driver/bouncer/bodyguard sported all black with white shoes, a white tie and a red fedora. He also had three gold teeth, I know weird, right? HA! I assumed they were going to Comic Con, but they did get off the train much earlier than the other, very obvious Comic Con attendees, so I can't be certain.
A couple more stops into my costume from hell journey and a dude that looked like Weird Al Jankovic and a homely girl with bad skin and way too much silver eyeliner got on the train and sat directly in front of me. YAY! Clearly today was my lucky day.... I'm pretty sure they weren't dressed up for Comic Con, I think they just look that way all the time. It's possible that they even thought they looked "cute" for whatever it is they were doing. The strange thing, OK there were several things, but the one that really got me was that Weird Al had this curious thing about counting how many people boarded at each stop and his pimp-faced girl just sat beside him staring at the side of his head and his creepy, long,oily, curly hair. Seriously, it was sooooooooooooo strange! Thanks to miscreant Al's mad counting skills he was able to inform everyone in our train car that "FIVE people boarded at this stop." Lucky for all of YOU, all five of THEM were in costumes.
In case you were curious here's what was happening in my head during this whole exchange. Uhhhmmmm, yeah, uh, sooooo the thing is, I have eyes and I can see that, sooooo I don't actually need the play by play of how many damn people get on the train... You will all be proud to know that I managed to keep all of that from escaping my piehole. The look on my face was probably evident to a keen observer (which these two definitely were not) but no words fell out my yapper. Yay me! Yay discretion!
Those five were my least favorite of all of the characters I'd witnessed. OK, the three men were fine, but this was clearly an excuse for the dumb bitches to dress like sluts and call it a costume. (Full disclosure this is my primary reason for hating all things costume and for that matter, all things Kardashian, but I digress...) Too bad I didn't think to introduce them to the pimps before the Broadway stop......
One dude had some all black, combat looking costume and infra-red goggles that he apparently couldn't actually see through sitting atop his head. Costume-clad boy number two looked like some sort of 80's rocker (ala David Bowie) with lots of eyeliner and gray-hairspray (which looked like it might have been some crazy-ass hair-in-can spray) he had a gray and yellow pleather jacket. I have no clue who or what he was trying to be, but it was very 80's and not knowing what you were trying to be was probably true of a lot of things from the 80's. Overall, it was goofy and stupid, but really nothing terrible to complain about. Genius number three looked like he fast-forwarded to the 90's so he could dress up like a goth dude wearing all black, including full-length trench coat, eyeliner lipstick and beanie. MEH - again, no clue who he was supposed to be or why he would chose to wear that many layers of extremely warm clothing in the dead of summer, but frankly I was happy that we was clothed.
Ho-bag #1 was wearing what looked to be a spiderman onesie. When I say onesie, I'm not talking about those destable rompers that I hate so much, I mean like the kind (and size) you put on an infant! I suppose technically it was a Spiderman Bodysuit, but that begs the question of WHY was there a need to manufacture a Spiderman bodysuit for a 30-year old woman? Anyway, she wore the onesie with a little black skirt that was so tight and so short it could almost pass for a belt paired with over the knee boots. Please don't think this is me fat-shaming anyone, after all I have eye and mirrors, so I certainly don't have any room for that nonsense. She was a pretty girl with a nice body. It's just sad that she opted to look so trashy. She would have looked so much nicer with a little bit more, properly fitting clothing. Her friend appeared to be harkening a sluttly Betty Rubble. She wore a super-tight, super-short black dress with cutouts all along each side and the highest platform stilettos that I've witnessed since I worked for that trashy hag Cindy C.
I am always happy when the train arrives back at Union Station and I can return to the adorableness of my fabulous, little downtown apartment. Now I am going to head over to Denver Beer Company to enjoy a fabulous beverage (or two, maybe three) then grab Proto's pizza (it's delicious) and retreat to my wonderful, costume free apartment for the evening.
Until next time...
XOXO
PS - I'm already working on an independence day coffee, which will once again feature shit I hear and see on the train because... Well, because it's a petri-dish of coffee fodder and of a whole lot of other things......