Focus, schmocuss and no nude scenes
Hello my darlings,
After hearing truly terrifying news about a dear friends fight for her life I realize how silly it is for me to whine and feel sorry for myself about my stupid foot, so this week I decided I would focus on what I CAN do rather than what I can't. You will all be pleased to know that my first step on this quest was once again Google. (don't worry this time it wasn't a quiz, so I only assume I'm still bossy and domineering, I don't actually have anything that confirmed that this time).
To start this journey I decided to search for post-surgery workout suggestions. Apparently people recovering from hernia surgery are most concerned about post-surgery workouts, followed closely by knee surgeries and finally shoulder. I opted to follow my knee surgery searchers, since it was the closest body part. I have admit it was a little surprised to see that minimizing the look of the scar was such a hot topic, but after my previous trauma with the c-section scar I wasn't adventurous enough to delve too deeply into that. I decided to take a safe route and start with an article from Runner's World, but that was very knee specific, so I kept clicking around and found a blog link for a woman that claims to be mid-40's and trying to get back into shape after 3 kids and 2 knee surgeries. Unfortunately, I think she's going to be chubby for a long time because it was pretty much nothing more than exercise-related inspirational quotes from Pinterest and tips on how to make your favorite recipes low-fat.
SIDEBAR: this bitch suggested using fat-free milk and canned spray cheese for macaroni and cheese. WTF? Here's my tip, you don't eat macaroni and cheese when you are trying to lose weight. You eat macaroni and cheese as a splurge on a very rare occasion and when you do you load it with every decedent, unctuous, full-fat dairy item you can get your chubby little mitts on then you savor every bite of it. After my glorious Truffle Mac & Cheese dinner I assure you that I and my chubby little mitts and my happy butt are all absolutely right about this one!
I'm about to abandon this whole thing when I see a comment about the "focus workout method". By now I'm sure you are all fully aware that I have the attention span of a gnat, so "focus" isn't going to be a thing that I do, but I couldn't resist the urge to see what nonsense this would include, so I took the plunge. Mostly, it was breathing and meditation tips, which I ignored, because fortunately breathing is an automatic response and meditation is well, did you see what she was wearing, oh crap I forgot to swap the laundry, I need to remember take out the trash, ugh, I have to deal with that crap at work tomorrow and I forgot to schedule that meeting and....... Pretty much that's what "quieting my mind" sounds like. There was one heading, however, that did catch my eye "Focus your workout around preparing for your nude scenes!" Hmmmm working out in the dark? Doesn't seem very safe to me. Rest assured, if I am "preparing for my nude scenes" this needs to be very low-light (read PITCH BLACK) and I can't imagine how I am supposed to apply this to my workout. Somehow, I don't think running through the gym, turning off lights while shouting "I'm preparing for my nudes scenes" is actually going to net me any results, aside from being banned from the gym for life! (I have to admit I would get quite a chuckle at watching the meatheads in the back cry in their steroid-laden, protein drinks at the thought of the fat chick doing nude scenes.) Apparently, some study says that if you focus all of your energy and your mind on specific movements you can get dramatically better results and as a testament to this Kim Catrell claims to have used this while filming Sex in the City. Pffftt, I have two words for Ms. Catrell. BODY DOUBLE, bitch! Ok, so I guess I have three-words for her. 😃
I realize at this point that I am not prepared for the amount of focus required to prepare this happy butt for nude scenes, so I think I will stick to what I know, which at this point is a spin bike (which I am only allowed to ride like a granny bike) and whatever workout I can do with minimal engagement of my lower extremities. Apparently, you can elevate your heart rate while sitting in a chair and pretending to conduct an orchestra, but since I do not wear adult diapers and I have a rule about not intentionally looking like a jackass I am not going to test that theory. Instead I signed-up for a 100-day push-up challenge. I can't actually participate in the challenge portion because this is a group of CrossFit nuts that are doing weighted push-ups and one-arm push-ups and with my lame appendage I can only do knee push-ups (I did make an attempt to go up onto my toes, but my Achilles is nowhere close to being capable of that) but I am now doing 100 push-ups a day for 100 days, ok for 99 more days now.
Until next time...
XOXO